


Better Love Cats

by SeparationBoundary



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anal Sex, Cats, F/F, F/F only briefly mentioned, M/M, Masturbation, Mention of minor characters deaths, Motorcycles, OCD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Phone Sex, Pining, Poverty, Some angst, Stray Animals, mention of bar fights, omg they were roommates, trigger warning for compulsive obsessive behavior!, vehicular accidents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:07:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 25,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26916349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeparationBoundary/pseuds/SeparationBoundary
Summary: Levi Ackerman has an almost debilitating mental disorder and struggles to cope.  He has always assumed that he would never find anyone to love him because of it.  Enter Erwin Smith.  Both are poor and lonely.  Can they help each other?
Relationships: Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir, Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 143
Kudos: 235





	1. Could be worse

**Prologue -** _ Exactly midnight. _

Farlan Church and Isobel Magnolia, freshly married, died at exactly midnight according to the coroner’s report. Levi wondered over and over how he had come up with such a precise time.

They had been hit by a drunk driver—a hit and run, so they’d never caught the culprit—and had died instantly. Levi was grateful for that.

He’d had to identify the bodies of his best friends, his only friends, and it had been the second most disturbing thing that had ever happened to Levi in his life. The first had been watching his mother die. They had been driving their tiny, shiny new Prius that Farlan had been so proud of and that Isobel had picked out. Levi remembered that it had been bright blue, Isobel’s favorite color. The other car had been  _ big _ , probably a late model, full-sized pick-up truck the police had said. The bodies had been almost unrecognizable.

Levi had gone home from the morgue and showered in water so hot he almost couldn’t stand it and cried in the shower. Then he’d cleaned his apartment, taking the curtains down and washing them, scrubbing the baseboards. He paused periodically to wash his hands, drink a cup of tea, and wash his hands again. Then he kept cleaning.

  
  


**Chapter 1**

“You have no idea what you’re talking about!”

“Yeah? Fuck off.” Levi leaned, scowling, on the bar across from the lean woman with the short brown hair. She knocked back her current whisky shot and slammed the glass back onto the bar, almost breaking it. Unperturbed, Levi refilled it.

“You’re an asshole, Ackerman, and a stupid one. Harley's are the only way to go.”

Levi dried a glass and glowered at her.

Ymir tossed back the new shot and Levi noted that it was her fourth. Ymir was a healthy drinker. She could throw back shots like a linebacker for such a scrawny chick. But she was a mean drunk and so Levi was counting.

“Some ‘motorcycle enthusiast’ you are,” she said and belched. She had used air quotes. Levi hated air quotes. He stayed quiet and poured her number five.

Abruptly she brayed out a laugh. “God, you’re so cute when you scowl—which is all the time.” She devolved into giggles. “For a guy, anyway.”

“Did I say fuck off? If not then fuck off,” Levi growled.

Two other customers approached the bar and Levi went over to make their drinks. One of them wanted something fancy and Levi busied himself making it, lost in his own thoughts, forgetting Ymir.

Levi wasn’t a people person, which was odd for a bartender. He didn’t hate them but he found them tiresome. And filthy. Besides, he had something on his mind, had had something on his mind for weeks, and just wasn’t in the mood.

He puttered around the bar, wiping where the two customers had been, refilling the cherries, cutting limes and lemons. His mind wandered.

It wasn’t long before Ymir was ready for another shot.

“You’d better slow down there, Ymir. This is your sixth.”

“Fuck it. I’m in a bad mood.”

“Aren't you always?”

Again the laugh. “You too, Buckaroo.” She toasted him but sipped the next drink, gaze wandering around the bar room.

“Jesus, that chick is cute. Don’t you think she’s cute?” She rather rudely and obviously indicated the petite blonde who was the apparent recipient of the fancy drink. Levi looked dutifully and shrugged. He liked tall people.

“Hey,” Ymir slurred, leaning heavily on the bar—she was getting drunk—”How come you and I never hooked up?”

“Uhm, because you’re gay as shit?”

“Oh, yeah, right. You’d … you’d look really cute in a short skirt, though, with thigh-highs.”

Levi scoffed. “And let you ream my ass with a giant dildo? You know I like doing the fucking.”

Ymir’s face screwed up like she’d smelled something bad. “Eww, man penis. Nasty. Say, I think I’ll try a martini; dirty, vodka, extra olives.”

“You think that’s wise?” Levi drawled. He’d spent more than one night in the ladies room while Ymir puked up her guts.

“Fuck it! Bring it on! I’m still sober and haven’t had any pussy in  _ days _ !”

Levi sighed and made the drink. 

Ymir staggered out after 11:00 and Levi had to come out from behind the bar and stop her long enough to use her phone to call her an Uber. She had been pissed at that. Now it was late—or early—depending on how you looked at it, but Levi didn’t look at anything but the clock. It was 1:21 and the bar closed at 2. Levi was exhausted waiting.

“Fuck,” he muttered to himself.

The Happy Hangover bar was in a run-down area that perched on the border between the poor people’s sad neighborhood and the lower-middle-class area where most of the off-campus students and general minimum-wage-earners lived. It wasn’t a nice bar, it was old and quite battered, but it was solid and big and convenient. They got a large crowd every night, from your basic boozers to the random office worker. Most of the people were college students and young marrieds, though. Late on a Friday night, as it was, there was a preponderance of kids, drunk kids and that was what was there tonight.

Levi looked up as voices were raised.

There was a college football game coming up and the rival teams’ fans were clustered around the two pool tables being drunk and loud and low-key aggressive.

Because of the types of crowds who frequented on Friday and Saturday nights they had two bouncers, Reiner, a big, solid bulk of a blond man, and Connie, a small but wiry scrapper who went to Sina Tech. Both were keeping a close eye out on the college crew.

Most weekend nights ended with an altercation and Levi was often called upon to help break up fights and toss out miscreants. He hated it, hated touching other people’s sweaty flesh, but it was his job and he was strong.

Levi looked at the clock; 1:38.

The crowd was getting rowdy.

The kids playing pool and drinking were from the two rival colleges U. of Trost (Go Tigers!) and Sina Tech (which the U of T kids sneeringly call “East Wall Dental College” as an insult.) The U of T bastards in their gaggingly ugly orange jerseys were by far the worst offenders. Sina Tech was right there in the neighborhood and so had a sense of pride of place, whereas U of T was in the more affluent upper-middle-class neighborhood across the canal. They acted annoyingly entitled as a matter of course.

Levi triple checked that the glasses were clean and put away and wiped the entire bar down for the tenth time. He was so ready for closing. After closing, he still had to gather up all the dirty glasses, wash them, and help mop the floor. Now if these fucking kids could hold off on any violence for a few more minutes …

There was a shout and the sound of a pool cue splintering. Levi sighed.

As if on command the few regulars and older patrons at the scattered tables began to get up and move toward the door. Levi slipped out from behind the bar as Reiner and Connie closed in on the crowd.

It was fifteen minutes after closing and another splintered pool cue and several broken glasses later when they finally got everybody shoved out the door. Reiner locked the heavy oak door with a click and leaned on it.

“Boy, what a bunch of fuckheads. Connie, you need to get your Sina crowd under control.”

“I’m not in charge of the whole student body just cuz I go there, dumbass.” He rubbed his buzzed hair. “Those Trost guys are ten times as bad.” he walked a broken chair toward the back door. “Besides, it could be worse.”

Levi was already picking up dirty glasses and shards of broken glass into a bus pan. “They’re both full of assholes,” he growled. “And what could be worse? There’s blood on the pool table. I’ll never get that out.”

For several quiet minutes, the three of them tidied up and cleaned and rearranged and righted furniture. Abruptly Levi hissed, snatching his hand back to his chest.

“You OK?” Reiner asked.

Levi seemed frozen, looking down at his hand. “Cut my glove …”

Levi wore synthetic surgical-grade gloves at all times while at work. His co-workers had no idea that he wore them  _ all the time _ , any time he was outside his apartment.

A large piece of a beer glass had slipped between his fingers and sliced open the glove on his right hand—right across his palm—and his hand with it. It wasn’t too deep, probably not enough for stitches, but Levi seemed to not know what to do. He just crouched there next to a pool table, staring at the cut which welled blood down his wrist.

Connie, who was new, glanced uneasily at Reiner.

“Does he have a thing about blood?” he whispered.

Reiner shook his head firmly. “He’ll be OK, just let him alone. Levi? Levi, why don’t you go wash that? Get you a new glove. I’ll finish up here.”

Levi seemed to snap out of his torpor then. “Yeah … yeah. Wash … I’ll be right back. He hefted the bus pan of glasses and disappeared behind the bar.

Connie stared after him then looked at Reiner. “What the hell?”

Reiner shrugged his big shoulders and tapped one forefinger against his temple. “Brain thing, I think.”

Levi appeared shortly with fresh gloves and began scrubbing up the glasses and putting them away as if nothing had happened.

  
  
  


Levi was exhausted by the time he got off but couldn’t bother dwelling on the bar fight. Instead, his mind wandered of its own accord to Farlan and Isobel. He didn’t want to think about it, had tried to avoid it during work, but his brain seemed intent on torturing him. The whole thing made him feel incredibly, achingly sad, and alone. He didn’t have anyone now. He hurried to get to his apartment. He needed to wash his hands.


	2. Dilemma

Levi got to work on Saturday at a few minutes before 6pm as he always did. He took off his leather jacket, double-checked his gloves, clocked in, and put his brown paper bag of lunch in the fridge under the bar (a slice of American cheese and mustard on 88cent-a-loaf white bread and a small apple.) 

He meticulously inspected the bar, the glasses, the garnishes, and got out his own special cleaning solution and a clean towel from a towering stack. He proceeded to wipe every surface behind the bar down, including the cash register. When he was done, he wiped the bar itself and went around to wipe the chairs. Satisfied, he put his bottle up and threw the towel into a five-gallon bucket for that purpose.

The day bartender, Armin, another college student, small and blond, finished up with a customer and turned toward him with a smile. He gave absolutely no indication that what Levi had done was odd.

“Hey, Levi. I washed and dried some more towels for you. How's your day going?”

“Thank you. It’s fine. Did some work on the bike.”

“Oh, good! Well, I’ll leave it to you. Have a good shift.”

“Thanks, bye.”

The day was decidedly normal and calm. The Trost / Sina game was that night and Levi wasn’t looking forward to the after-game crowd. Fortunately, the game was at Trost so, hopefully, most of the wild bunch would go to the nicer bars across the canal. Levi could only hope.

By 8pm all the worker bees had arrived and settled in to drink and the college students and young marrieds (almost all husbands) had had their suppers and had trickled in. Connie had joined Reiner and they were idly playing foosball in the corner.

Levi got a long break where everybody had their drinks and he went to his coat where it hung on a nail and extracted an envelope of papers. He spread them out on the prep table and began to study them.

They were all of his bills and expenses. He’d been looking at them and looking at them again for days. He was having money problems. Bad.

He picked up a small stack of hospital bills and meticulously went over the numbers again. In the end, he sighed and put them down.

He had to figure out what to do or, frankly, he’d be homeless. Aside from the (outrageous) medical bills, he didn’t have much outlay. His rent and utilities, his meager food bills, (he lived on ramen noodles, cans of tuna, and cheese sandwiches,) his cleaning supplies, and toilet paper. He bought what clothing he had at thrift stores, had no air conditioner, and kept the heat down to arctic levels.

He wracked his brain to think of things he could give up. His one indulgence; his five-times-weekly workout at a dusty, ancient boxing gym, had been offset when the owner agreed to let him clean up the gym in return for using the facilities.

He sighed. He’d have to get a second job. He already sold plasma and boxed in fights at the gym. If he won he got $40 a fight.  _ If _ he won.

A customer wandered in and Levi made his drink, making small talk, taking his money. He went back to his papers.

Where would he get a second job? There were virtually no businesses in the tawdry neighborhood, just the occasional tiny store or cheap restaurant, and most of those were run by families who only hired relatives. He stared at the back wall behind the bar, at himself in the old gilt mirror that hung there.

He could sell his motorcycle.

He felt unutterably sad at the notion. He loved that bike. It was the only thing of quality and class that he owned, had ever owned, in his life.

It was a 1949 Indian Scout, fire-engine red, and he’d laboriously restored it himself. He really loved that bike. It was a part of him.

It had been a surprise gift from his mother on his 30th birthday. She had talked her brother, Kenny, into parting with it after she got sick. She had shamelessly used the guilt card. She was sick, she didn’t know how long she had, she wanted to give Levi something before she was gone, etc, etc. He had grudgingly given in.

It had been a banged-up piece of shit when Levi got it—he didn't know why Kenny had wanted to hang on to it, except spite, honestly. Its restoration had been a labor of love. He had begged and bartered and traded labor for parts until he’d gotten it shiny and running again. He’d worked every day for a week hauling bricks at a construction site, coming home every day, hands and arms scraped and bleeding, to fall into bed for a couple of hours till he had to be at work, to get it painted.

It was the only thing he had to remember his mother by.

Levi poured a couple of beers and made a Manhattan, taking the money and putting it into the cash register. He shut it with a ding. Reiner wandered up and sat at the bar. “You think we’ll have trouble tonight?”

“Don’t we always?”

Reiner chuckled. He glanced at the papers on the prep table. “Bills?”

Levi had a horror of talking about himself, about his private life but Reiner was a friend (If he could call it that. He really had no friends. Not anymore.) and he was at his wit’s end. It might help his anxiety to talk about it a tiny bit.

“Yeah. I’m fucking broke.”

Reiner, who made even less than Levi and who had two jobs himself nodded.

“Second job?”

“I’m thinking so.”

“Bummer.”

Connie joined them at the bar, perching on a seat since his feet didn’t reach the floor. “You could get a roommate.”

The look of disgust and terror that crossed Levi’s face made both men fall silent. “I don’t think so,” Levi said quickly. “Uh … it’s just a single room. I don’t know where I’d put anybody else.”

“You got a couch? You could get one of those sofas that fold out into a bed. You’d be surprised at the number of people looking for a cheap place to stay. College kids will take anything; a futon on the floor. That’s how I got my place.”

Levi’s couch actually  _ did _ fold out into a bed. It was just by chance. It had happened to be the nicest one he could afford from the thrift store. The bed part was just incidental.

Levi almost shuddered. The thought of another person in his home made him panicky even though he was agonizingly lonely.

Reiner caught Connie’s eye and shook his head.

Even Connie could see Levi’s distress. “So … so who do you think will win tonight’s game?

Levi’s shift had proven to be even worse than they’d expected. Sina Tech had trounced the Tigers and it wasn’t an hour later when a full-on brawl started. A chair had been thrown into the liquor bottles behind the bar and they’d had to call the cops.

Levi didn’t get out of the bar until almost three.

  
  


Later that night—or earlier that next morning—Levi drifted through his apartment, a cup of tea in hand, like a ghost. He had tentatively been turning around the scary notion of a roommate in his head. It was hard for him to even think about. What if the person was filthy? What if he moved Levi’s stuff? What if he left wet towels on the floor and squeezed his toothpaste tube from the middle (he would absolutely have to have his own toothpaste. Absolutely. Yet, Levi wouldn’t be able to look at it if it was squeezed wrong.)

He wandered to his single window, wide open despite the chill in the air. It was fixin’ t’ rain as his mother would have said.

Across the alleyway, Levi could see into his neighbor in the next building's window. It was a family; mother, and three kids. He’d never seen a father (He had seen the rare man—and heard them in the woman’s narrow bed— through the open window.)

Seeing them made Levi happy. He wasn’t an antisocial man. He didn’t hate people. He just hated how nasty they could be. He longed,  _ ached _ for human contact but he just … couldn’t do it. He wasn’t always like this.

He watched the woman as she cooked her family dinner. The three kids were very well behaved, the two oldest doing what he assumed was homework at the table, the toddler chewing on a wooden spoon at his mother’s feet. Children were disgusting but he wouldn’t mind knowing the woman. She was plump, brown-skinned, with long black hair, dressed in a loose flowered house dress like his mom used to wear, and humming as she stirred a big pot on the stove. The smell drifting over made his stomach clench. It smelled so good.

He wondered what it would be like to know the woman. He was so alone. He missed his mom. He missed Farlan and Isobel. His heart squeezed into a tiny, lonely ball.

He would never have confessed this to anyone—he tried not to think about it himself—but on the rare nights when the woman had a man friend over, Levi lay on his bed and jerked off, listening to the quiet moans (so as not to wake the kids, he figured) and the creaking of the bed.

He always got up immediately after coming, guilty and disgusted, and took a shower.


	3. Rose

Erwin was being patient, oh so patient. It was a hallmark of his personality and had held him in good stead at his job.

“Mrs. Arlington, I am so sorry. This is absolutely unacceptable.” 

The woman, her tight grey curls bobbing, nodded in satisfaction. She opened her mouth—satisfaction or not she had more to complain about—but Erwin beat her to the punch.

“Not only am I going to have the cleaning staff apologize to you  _ personally _ , but I’m moving you to another room.”

The woman was clearly taken aback but there was nothing she could say.

“Well … thank you.”

“No problem at all!” Erwin turned and retrieved a room key off the board and presented it to her with a flourish. “I’ll have a bellhop up right behind you to move your things.” He smiled his signature sunny smile.

Mrs. Arlington strode off toward the elevators, smug triumph written across her face.

Erwin relaxed and let out a long, cleansing breath. Perhaps that would be the worst he had to deal with today. He doubted it.

The Empire, on Trost boulevard, was a very upscale hotel and Erwin was their front desk clerk and concierge. He had learned early that well-bred people were the worst to deal with. Their sense of entitlement overrode any faint crumb of politeness or civility they had. Erwin spent his entire day putting out fires. Some of them were so trivial it made him grit his teeth. (Mrs. Arlington had been outraged that there had been a small spill, left by the previous occupant, in the mini-bar.)

Erwin scanned the lobby and decided to check his phone real quick. He did so, scrolling through his few messages. Nile hadn’t texted. He checked his voicemail just in case. Nothing. Erwin sighed in frustration. What the hell? Why couldn't he find someone who would at least treat him decently?

He was a handsome guy and sunny natured—the Empire was lucky to have him for this reason—and he was nice. Maybe too nice. Maybe that was it. He hated confrontation and was quick to give in to whatever his partners wanted. He also seems drawn to assholes. Nile was a perfect example.

He wandered over to where he had left a biscotti and a cup of coffee and ate the biscotti. He sipped the coffee and grimaced. It was cold.

He looked out through the big glass front doors of the hotel and watched the people pass by, paying special attention to the couples. They all looked so happy.

Two men strolled by, arm in arm, and paused outside the doors, speaking. The shorter man grinned and nodded at something the taller man said and they set off again, clinging to each other.

_ That’s _ what Erwin wanted.

He looked down at his phone again. Nothing. He wished he had someone he could call. A friend or a lover. Just a voice to talk to. 

Erwin texted Nile as soon as he got off. He’d hesitated and hemmed and hawed all day. He had to find out if Nile was OK.

_ Hey, Nile, it’s Erwin. How was your day? _

Erwin clocked out and put on his coat. He wandered around the break room, waiting. His phone didn’t buzz. Where was Nile? Was he OK? What if something had happened?

Erwin frowned down at his phone.

Finally, he set out for home, his hand in his pocket, on his phone, so he wouldn’t miss a vibration.

He caught the bus at the corner and settled into a seat, resisting checking his phone again, watching Trost Blvd go by out of the window.

The bus turned left onto Sina road and chugged over the bridge.

Erwin lived in the lower-middle-class neighborhood by the canal. He watched, as he did every night, at the neighborhood getting progressively poorer. He turned over in his mind the people he had to deal with every day and how they contrasted with his neighbors. Erwin was not ashamed of being poor. It was what it was. He stroked his phone in his pocket. Life is bearable if you have people to share it with.

The bus stop was two blocks from his apartment building and Erwin stepped out into the chilly evening, pulling his coat around himself. He had just started walking when his phone finally buzzed.

[Nile]  _ Erwin. Hey, it’s Nile, listen, _

Erwin smiled and typed quickly.

_ Nile, thank goodness. I was worried. :) How was your day? _

[Nile]  _ How about you just lose my number, OK? _

What? Lose his number? Why? What was going on? Someone bumped his shoulder and he almost dropped his phone. Erwin, ever the nice guy, responded quickly. “Sorry!”

The man hurried on as if he’d not heard. Erwin shrugged and started typing again.

_ Lose your number? Why? _

The reply was lightning fast.

[Nile]  _ Just lose it, Erwin. We shouldn’t see each other anymore. _

Erwin went cold. Nile was  _ breaking up with him _ ? Over text?

_ But Nile … can’t we talk about this? _

[Nile]  _ No. We were getting boring. I might get back with my wife anyway. _

Erwin was floored. Nile hadn’t been with his wife in a year. He had insisted he hated her. Getting back with his wife? They were getting boring? Nile had seemed to enjoy the sex.

_ Was it something I did? Can’t we just talk face to face? _

Erwin knew this was cringy and pathetic but he couldn’t help it.

[Nile]  _ Let it go. We’re over. Don’t contact me again. _

Erwin stood in the middle of the sidewalk, stunned and immeasurably sad. What had gone wrong? To his shame, he felt tears prickling behind his eyelids. After a moment he willed his feet to move. He needed to get home.

  
  
  


Levi walked to and from work to his tiny flat. It was only four blocks. In doing so, he took a shortcut through a long alley between two tall buildings. The apartment buildings on either side were old, crumbling red brick, and full of the lower class typical of the neighborhood.

These people were too busy eeking out a living and just surviving and so had very little concern for what ended up in the alley. Because of this, it was crowded with overflowing dumpsters, old broken furniture, trashcans, boxes, all the flotsam and jetsam of humanity. There were animals in there too. It wasn’t unusual to see ragged cats, the occasional stray dog eating out of the trash, and plenty of rats. Once he’d seen a raccoon.

Only the rats appeared lively, hale, and healthy. Levi ignored them all, stepping gingerly through the heaps of rubbish, avoiding puddles, walking quickly.

This night, as he was making his way down in a persistent, chilly rain, he passed a spot where a weak naked lightbulb dimly lit the cracked pavement next to a door. There were cardboard boxes strewn about always but tonight something caught his eye.

It was a cat, a small black and white cat. Levi saw a lot of cats as he walked home every night; skinny, ghostly things that startled and slunk away as he walked by. He never gave them much thought except for the blanket sadness that they existed out there, alone in the world and probably hungry. There was nothing he could do, right?

This cat wasn’t jerking back or even looking up as he came close. It crouched in a sodden cardboard box, dripping wet. Didn’t cats hate the wet?

Levi hesitated. Was it sick? What could he do about it, anyway?

For a moment Levi just stood, undecided, then he crouched down. There was something different, pathetic about this one. It was a handsome thing, the black and white coloration striking.

“Puss, puss?”

The little cat looked wearily up at him. A raindrop dripped off of one ear. It appeared healthy, or as healthy as could be expected. Its eyes and nose were clear, there was no sign of the third eyelid that was the usual indication of sickness. No, it just seemed … tired.

Levi could relate.

Suddenly he straightened. There was nothing he could do about the cat. Call animal control, maybe? But the thought of such a beautiful creature manhandled into a truck then immediately killed upon arrival at the animal shelter made his stomach turn.

He’d leave well enough alone. He resolutely walked on, only glancing back once. The cat was looking at him.

The next day was Sunday and Levi’s one day off. He puttered around, cleaned his apartment to within an inch of its life, tinkered with his bike. He was in a state of mild, continuous agitation that made him antsy. He couldn’t stop thinking of his bills.

Levi spent Monday at work in a fog. He’d gone to the gym in the morning and worked the heavy bag until he was about to pass out. He didn’t eat enough protein to work out like that. It hadn’t helped and his muscles burned all night at work.

Connie approached him about midway through his shift. “Say, Levi. I gotta friend named Jean who’s desperate for a place to stay. He can pay a deposit and first month’s rent up front in cash.” He slid a scrap of paper over the bar to Levi with a phone number on it.

Levi was horrified and torn. What should he do? The absolute terror of having another human in his apartment was high but he was getting desperate for money. He had paid this month’s rent but he wouldn’t have next month’s. He  _ needed _ money. He also secretly thrilled at the thought of a person in his life even if it was just a roommate. Someone to come home to, to talk to, to just sit and have tea with. He wouldn’t have to touch him, would he?

He spent the entire rest of his shift mulling it over and fretting and wishing he had Farlan or Isobel to talk it over with.

He was walking home on autopilot when he entered the alleyway. His feet followed the route automatically. A large rat scuttled out in front of him suddenly, not even pausing to acknowledge him, causing Levi to quickly sidestep. As he altered his path his foot hit a box. It was mostly collapsed, soaked through, but as it moved Levi felt a weight to it. He stopped and bent down. He’d found useful stuff before in alleyways. He’d picked up his perfectly fine toaster in this very alley.

It wasn’t a toaster. It was the little cat.

It had been jarred by the kick but hadn’t moved, just settled back down as if too exhausted to stir. Levi crouched down.

“Little puss? You OK? What are you still doing here?”

The cat regarded him gravely.

It was very small and appeared young, just a teen-aged cat, and, as Levi looked closer, he could see its elbows and hip bones poking out sharply. Levi reached out with one gloved hand and stroked its side. Its ribs stood out like corrugation under his fingertips. The cat was starving.

He noticed something odd. Despite the little cat’s boniness, it’s abdomen was swollen to a huge size, bulging and firm under the rough hair. It struck him. She was a she and she was full of kittens.

Levi sat back. That’s why she was just sat here. She was starving and pregnant and probably exhausted just trying to stay alive as her kittens sapped all of her remaining reserves of strength.

Levi touched her head. Her color was unusual, not uniform but irregular so that a patch of black covered one side of her face and white the other. The eye on the black side was yellowy-green but the eye on the white side was a bright blue. She tilted her chin up as Levi stroked the side of her face.

“I’m so sorry, cat. I know you’re in a bad way but there’s nothing I can—”

Abruptly a surprisingly strong purr erupted from the little thing and she rubbed weakly against Levi’s finger.

Levi snatched his hand back, startled. He rubbed it against his jeans on instinct. The cat continued to purr but didn’t move.

Levi’s mind raced. There was nothing wrong with this cat. She was healthy, just starving. She didn’t ask to be out here, to be pregnant. Levi thought of the kits. If she managed to have them would they even live? She couldn’t produce much milk in her state.

Levi looked up and down the alley, searching his mind, searching for answers, wishing some divine insight would just come to him. It began to rain harder, pelting down, tapping on Levi’s leather jacket.

The cat never moved. She just sat, resigned. Her purring had stopped.

What should he do? He couldn’t just take her home, could he? Cats were nasty. They shit in the house. The thought made him shudder.

She was very small though. She wouldn’t take up much room. And he was so lonely. The thought of getting to help something, to be of assistance, to be useful, overwhelmed him. And he’d have a companion.

He was strong. Fuck the OCD. He could glove up and clean her box, couldn’t he?

The rat from earlier—or another, the nasty pieces of shit all looked alike to Levi—reappeared. Levi had been still too long and it was overcoming its natural caution. It stared at Levi then at the cat, sniffing. Suddenly it was joined by another. They both eyeballed the cat speculatively.

If the cat had her kittens right there, in that sodden box, the rats might attack them, kill them,  _ eat _ them. Levi was suddenly overcome with anger. He shuddered.

“Not on my watch, you fuckers.”

Levi stood and the rats scuttled off, squeaking. He removed his jacket, oblivious to the rain, and crouched back down. Holding the collapsing box with one hand he gently draped the coat over the cat and lifted her, wrapped in it so his hands wouldn’t touch her. He guesstimated she didn’t weigh much more than one of those rats.

Levi strode determinedly down the alley, the bundled cat under one arm, the rain drenching his shirt.

At his apartment he carefully set the coat down—the cat never moved—and fetched a small drawer out of one of his chests of drawers and lined it with one of his threadbare but excruciatingly clean towels. He gently dumped the cat out into it.

For a moment she just crouched and blinked as if she couldn’t believe that dry and warmth and protection existed in this world. Slowly, she settled herself down, snuggling into the terrycloth. The low, throaty, quiet purr came again. Levi smiled.

“I think I’ll call you Rose.”

Levi went to see if he had a can of tuna.

He had a cat.


	4. Everything Will Be Better In The Morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one is super short!

The next day Levi woke at 5:30 A.M. as he always did, and immediately checked on Rose. She was in the same spot in the box. He had spread newspaper out around the drawer hoping that if she shit she’d hit the paper.

Sure enough, there was a small spot of urine off to one side and a very small poop. At least her systems seemed to be working correctly. He could see where she’d scratched up the paper trying to cover her waste. He appreciated that.

She regarded him with complete, naive trust and looked the tiniest bit perkier today. Levi went to open his last can of tuna.

Levi cleaned up the paper, disinfected, and spread more paper down while the cat ate. Rose never moved, just ate and watched him calmly. When he gently rubbed her face she purred.

He stuck to his regular morning routine afterward; glass of water, brush teeth, change into his running gear. Then he went for his morning run.

He composed a list of things as he ran to get for Rose. When he got back to his apartment he showered and made a pot of tea.

“I’ll go out later and get you some supplies,” he told her over his first cup. “I know fuck-all about cats so I hope I get the right stuff.” Rose’s small ears flicked toward him as he talked.

He washed his dishes thoroughly—scrubbing everything twice with piping hot water—dried his hands, and retrieved a pair of long pink dish gloves from under the sink. He didn’t wear his nitrile gloves at home.

He crossed to the drawer, drawing them on.

“We can’t have you all nasty and wet in here,” he said. “I’m gonna draw you a bath.”

Levi filled his big claw-foot tub with a few inches of water, resisting the urge to make it too hot. He knew in the back of his head that people didn’t wash cats. He knew this and knew he was being strange. That the majority of them had a fierce aversion to water, he also knew. He braced himself for a fight and set his jaw. Well, his would learn to put up with it. He couldn’t imagine what filth was on the cat; vile mud from the alley, fleas. He shuddered involuntarily.

Rose just hung limply as he lifted her, struck again at how light she was. He took her into the bathroom, and cooing encouragingly, stood her in the water. She clearly wasn’t happy. She stood hunched, her pregnant belly bulging out to either side, lifting the occasional foot out of the water. Otherwise, she didn’t move or protest.

Levi scrubbed her gently with his own shampoo and she seemed to relax a bit under his hands. The wash water turned dark and fleas floated on the surface. Levi let out the dirty water with revulsion and filled the tub up with clean water. He’d definitely have to scrub his tub out when he was done. Gross.

When he was through washing her again, he lifted Rose onto a clean towel and soaked up the excess water. Her white fur was actually white now.

Jeez. Why didn’t someone warn him how truly gruesome a sodden cat looked? Rose was even more horrific, looking like a Halloween decoration designed to scare. In her state, she was just bones with skin and hair stretched over.

He dried her off with his hairdryer on low. She startled at the sound at first but then realized that it wouldn’t hurt her. “There now. You look better and you smell so sweet! Isn’t that better? Now let me freshen up your bed and you can nap while I’m gone.”

Levi replaced the dirty towel with a pristine one and re-installed Rose. She investigated the new bedding then began to rearrange her fur with long slow licks. Levi fondled her ears. Oblivious of the weird sensation of the rubber gloves on her, she paused and rubbed into his hand, purring mightily. Yes, she was feeling better.

“That’s my girl,” Levi murmured, pleased.

Later that day Levi went shopping, spending some of his meager cash on cat litter and a box and a bag of cat food. He picked up two shallow, mismatched bowls and a small basket at the thrift store.

“I wish you could pay rent,” he grumbled to Rose when he got home.

  
  
  


Erwin woke on Tuesday morning to find a legal looking envelope pinned to the outside of his apartment door. He looked around his floor and saw that all his neighbors did too. He took it inside and tore it open anxiously. It was from his landlord stating that they would be making improvements on the building—that was good … and raising the rent. By $200 a month. Erwin sank into a chair at his table. $200. He was just barely scraping by as it was. How would he get $200 more dollars a month? He was counting out his change to wash his own clothes by the end of the month and living on ramen noodles. If they hadn’t had courtesy food in the breakroom at the hotel, Erwin would be going hungry.

What was he going to do?

He spent the whole rest of his day in a low mood. It was so unlike him that even his boss noticed.

“Are you feeling OK, Erwin?” Mr. Pixis asked. He was a kind man, short and in his late 60s with a bald head and a love of alcohol.

“Actually I’m just a bit down, Mr. P,” Erwin said. “I'll be OK.”

“Well, you’re dragging around like your dog died.”

“Just something unexpected that came up.”

“Family OK?”

“Oh, yes! It’s nothing like that.”

“Good. Well, you seem worried and stressed. Why don’t you take off early and get some rest?”

“Really?”

Pixis puffed out his thin chest. “You work plenty. Your leaving early one day won’t kill the hotel. Besides, I was the concierge here, once upon a time, remember? I can still do the work.” He smiled under his bristly mustache and patted Erwin’s arm. “Go relax now. Recharge. Everything will be better in the morning.”

“Thank you, Sir. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Erwin took the bus to his stop and, instead of going home, he just walked. It was a nice day, a bit chilly, and he had no reason to go home. So he walked and chewed over his problems and walked some more.

Would he have to get a second job? Hell, he worked six days a week as it was and all for the shoebox of an apartment that he called his. Where would he work? He had no marketable skills save his excellent people skills and jobs, in general, were scarce in his area. He had to take the bus a half-hour just to get to the hotel.

He glanced at his phone, re-reading the last texts Nile had sent. The hurt bit into his heart. Was he just not good enough? He wished he had someone to talk to.

At about 9 pm he found himself outside a quaint, slightly tawdry bar. He looked up at the sign; The Happy Hangover. Suddenly a few drinks or so sounded good. Damn the money.

“What the hell.” He said and pushed open the door.

The bar was surprisingly large and featured two big TVs on the wall and two pool tables on the back. The clientele looked young, younger than him, but it didn’t bother him. He headed for the bar.


	5. The Bartender

Erwin settled on a stool and tried to decide what he wanted to drink. He wasn’t much of a drinker. He finally decided on beer and sought out the bartender. When the man appeared out of the back, Erwin’s jaw dropped.

He was easily the most beautiful man Erwin had ever seen. Small, compact, and muscular in a strappy tee, the bartender had coal black hair in an undercut and skin like alabaster. On that perfect skin was ink. Stunning ink. His entire left arm was a full sleeve from wrist to shoulder and a large, intricate dragon writhed across his broad back. A broad, white magnolia flower spanned his right delt with a red ribbon inked underneath with the name ‘Kuchel’ on it. Underneath his left collarbone was ‘Sina’ in elaborate Old English script.

Erwin had to swallow the excess saliva in his mouth.

“What can I getcha?”

“Uh ...a draft, please.”

“Which one?” He gestured to the bank of taps close by.

“Surprise me.”

The man grabbed a glass and began to fill it with Budweiser. Erwin tried to discreetly ogle him without seeming like a creep.

The foamy glass hit the bar with a tap in front of him and Erwin took a big swig. Levi studied him curiously. He wasn’t a college student. A professor, maybe? He was dressed in nice chinos, a button-up shirt, and a bright blue tie that brought out his brilliant eyes. He was pretty damned good looking, Levi decided.

“Good?”

It must have been because Erwin drained the glass. “Excellent.”

“Another?”

Erwin nodded, wiping foam off of his mouth. Levi set down the second glass. “Four dollars for both.” Erwin rooted around in his pockets and brought out all of his cash and dumped it on the bar. It wasn’t much, Levi noted.

Erwin noticed that the man carefully straightened the four ones out, turning them so they faced the same way.

“What’s your name?” he blurted.

Levi blinked at him. “My name?”

“Yeah, I’m Erwin.” Erwin held out a hand. Levi looked at it impassively. “Levi.”

“Levi,” he repeated then blushed when Levi stared at him. He slowly withdrew his hand. “Uhm … keep them coming.”

Levi nodded and moved off, giving Erwin a curious glance over his shoulder.

Erwin drank and watched Levi for a while till the alcohol hit him. He began to feel better, more relaxed. He wouldn’t worry about his money problems for a while, he decided. He’d just sit here in this friendly, quiet bar and drink. Why not? Plus the view was excellent.

Erwin noticed after a while that there was something weird about Levi. He wore black nitrile gloves every second that Erwin saw him. None of the other workers did. He also cleaned, well, obsessively. As soon as a patron left the bar he sprayed down the countertop with a bleach solution (Erwin could smell it) and spent a good minute wiping down with a clean towel. He never used the same towel twice.

As Erwin watched, Levi stripped off his gloves and washed his hands at the sink at the other end of the bar, his back to Erwin, thoroughly drying them on a clean towel, discarding it, and donning new gloves.

How odd.

Erwin had enough beers till he felt like he’d have trouble walking to the bus stop. He got up unsteadily and gathered up his remaining cash.

“Leaving?” Levi inquired politely.

“Yes, but I’ll be back.” He smiled and Levi was struck again at how handsome he was.

“You’re not driving, I hope.”

“No,” Erwin chuckled ruefully, “Can’t afford a car or cabs. I take the bus.”

“Well, see you next time then, Erwin.”

Erwin went out, a tad unsteadily, absurdly pleased that the handsome bartender had remembered his name.

  
  
  
  


After a week Levi was almost resigned to the fact that he would have to get a roommate. He’d hit every business within walking distance—he absolutely  _ couldn’t _ get on a public bus—with zero success. He was washing his single dish and fork from lunch (a can of tuna with mustard) and talking to Rose.

The little cat had settled in nicely. She never came to him for affection or rubbed on him or anything, but she would sit close by on the torn linoleum and keep him company.

“Do you think you’d be OK with a roommate?” he asked her. She looked at him brightly. “He’d have to be clean, you understand. We couldn’t have someone who was filthy.” He put down the tuna can for her to lick and she went to it with gusto.

Rose was also gaining weight and her fur shone now. Levi had taken to bathing her once a week on Sundays and she appeared to have realized that it was going to happen and accepted it phlegmatically. Her belly seemed to have gotten even bigger, if that was possible, and she’d developed a distinct waddle. Levi, who had actually coaxed himself into touching her with his bare hands, would amuse himself by fondling her sides and trying to pick out kitten parts through the skin while they watched TV. Rose seemed to be inured to this weird habit and never failed to purr and knead the couch when he did it.

“Ohh, that’s a head! Wow, that’s a big ‘un.”

Rose regarded him fondly, claws extending and retracting as she kneaded.

  
  
  


That Monday, Erwin was at work when Pixis came up to him in the break room. Erwin, who had been stuffing his face with the complimentary biscotti that was out, started guiltily.

“Erwin, I want you to meet our newest employee, Krista. She’ll be in charge of the dining room.”

Krista smiled sunnily up at him. She was an adorable thing, tiny and blonde with a frilly dress on that belied her age. 

“Pleased to meet you, Erwin.”

They shook hands, Erwin's huge one completely engulfing her small one, and he grinned back.

“Take your time and look around, Krista,” Pixis said, “Get used to the place. Your shift doesn't start for 20 minutes. I’ll leave you two kids alone. Damned ice machine is kicking up a bitch.”

Pixis left and Erwin fidgeted. There was a biscotti crumb on his tie and he brushed it off.

“So what does a front desk clerk slash concierge do?”

“Oh, uh, I supervise the bellhops, check people in, take reservations, call people cabs, and so on. It’s not hard. Well, except for the people part.”

Krista laughed, a happy, bubbly sound. “The people?”

“The guests. If something’s wrong they come to me.”

“Ohhh. Do you have to deal with rude people a lot?”

“Every. Single. Day,” Erwin said with a grimace.

She laughed again and Erwin decided that he liked this girl.

“So what does your job entail?”

“Similar. I oversee the dining room—not the food of course. That’s Chef’s job.—Seat people, make sure the plates and cutlery are well stocked and clean, that the tables are perfect; the tablecloths, the flowers, the tealights. I’ll also be responsible for fielding any non-food complaints.”

“Oh, joy.”

“I can’t wait,” she said wryly. She picked up a biscotti delicately and took a minuscule bite. “Are you married?”

“What? No!” Erwin laughed nervously, “haven’t found Mr. or Ms. Right yet.”

“Well, you could date people.”

“I’m embarrassed to say that I can’t even do that. I’m too poor. I swear I need to find another apartment. Mine’s too expensive  _ and _ they just raised the rent.”

“That’s terrible. How much?”

“$200.”

“Whew! I’m glad I still live with my folks. I probably will for a while. I just graduated from U of T.”

Erwin nodded. That would make her 22 or 23. Erwin was 34.

“Well, let me get back to the desk before something catches on fire or blows up.”

Krista laughed again and bent to scribble something on a napkin. She handed it to him and looked him in the eye. “I don’t care if you’re poor. Call me sometime.”


	6. I Met A Guy

Erwin solved a particularly delicate problem (A woman’s husband was flirting with an 18-year-old college student behind her back and Erwin had artfully redirected the college girl out of the lobby and into the lounge. The wife had tipped him $50.) and decided that he would take the bus to the bar. He’d enjoy a few drinks, unwind, and get to look at Levi if he was working.

He took the bus there—it stopped right outside the bar—and the wind hit him along with a spattering of rain as he got out. He hurried into the bar. It was dim and warm and bustling inside, just what he needed. He crossed to the bar and commandeered the stool he’d had before.

Levi had an odd reaction when he saw Erwin. He was  _ glad _ . He had actually been looking forward to seeing the man again.

“Budweiser?”

“If you please.” Erwin grinned and pulled the 50 out of his pocket with a flourish. “I’m flush tonight.”

“Turning tricks?”

“What?! No!”

Levi made a noise that might have been a laugh. “Well, you’re certainly handsome enough to do it.”

_ Where had that come from? _

Both Erwin and Levi blushed at the same time and Levi busied himself wiping down the beer taps.

“I got it as a tip at work,” Erwin explained, still red-faced at the compliment.

“Where do you work?”

“The Empire hotel.”

“Ohh, fancy.”

“Don’t let the job fool you. I’m as poor as they come. I’m even going to lose my apartment I’m afraid.” Erwin sipped at his beer.

“Sorry to hear that. I’m in a similar boat.”

“Did they raise your rent too?”

“Nope. I just make shit for money and I have a lot of bills.”

“Yeah? That sucks.”

“Yeah. My mom died and I have a shit-ton of medical bills from when she was sick.”

Levi paused. He’d just told a  _ stranger _ that. What the fuck?

“Oh, Levi, I’m really sorry.”

Without thinking, Erwin put his hand over Levi’s gloved one where it rested on the bar top. There was a brief hesitation where both men looked at their joined hands—Levi in horror and Erwin in sick realization. They both snatched their hands back simultaneously.

“I’m sorry!” Erwin said, “I forgot …I didn’t mean …”

“S’OK. I’ll be right back.”

Levi walked quickly to the sink. His hand seemed to burn where Erwin had touched it. It had felt good but wrong at the same time. He felt a sudden revulsion for himself, for how he was.

Erwin watched concernedly as Levi repeated the routine he’d seen him do the last time he was here; strip his gloves, wash his hands vigorously, re-glove. He went immediately to other customers after he’d finished and Erwin wondered if he’d really messed up badly. He gulped at his beer and watched Levi anxiously.

Eventually, Levi made his way back to Erwin. The truth was that he wanted to talk to the man, enjoyed his company.

“Sorry about that.” Levi began, “I have a thing about touching people.”

“I understand,” Erwin said hurriedly. Levi took his glass. Erwin noticed that he did another odd thing; he got a clean glass for every refill, dumping the ‘dirty’ one into the sink. Maybe that was why he wore the gloves? To protect his hands from the wash water?

Levi put Erwin’s beer on the bar and stood awkwardly.

“Your tattoos are beautiful,” Erwin said. Levi wore a plain white undershirt, the thin straps showing off his powerful shoulders, and the ink stood out on his pale skin.

“Thanks. I’ve had them a while.”

“‘Kuchel’?”

“My mom.” Levi wiped at the bar, eyes downcast. He had the most amazingly thick black eyelashes.

Erwin searched for something to say but came up empty. What he really wanted to say was  _ “You’re as beautiful as your tattoos and if I was brave enough and had any money I’d ask you out, comfort you, help you forget the pain for a while.” _

Erwin finished his second beer and gestured for another. His head was beginning to buzz from the quick alcohol intake.

“It was cancer.” Levi blurted.

“Jeez, I’m sorry.”

“It wasn’t quick.”

Erwin shook his head sadly as Levi set his third beer down.

“Say, this may sound cheesy but can I buy you a drink?”

What may have been a smile tugged at the corners of Levi’s mouth. “You trying to pick me up? I thought you weren't on the game.”

Erwin blushed again, redder this time.

“I’m just pulling your leg, Erwin,” Levi said, “You mind if I go for the good stuff? I’ll pay the difference.”

“Go for it,” Erwin said expansively, “and I’ll cover it. This fifty isn’t gonna spend itself.” He grinned.

Levi crossed to the liquor and got down a rocks glass. He poured himself two fingers of Knob Creek single barrel and returned.

“Is that good?”

“The best we have. I usually do shots of Jack but this is good for sipping.” He pinched up the fifty and crossed to the register. When he got back with the change, Erwin very much suspected that he’d  _ not _ charged him for the difference. They drank in silence, Levi leaving occasionally to tend to other customers.

By the time Levi set beer number four in front of him, Erwin was feeling pretty good, all warm inside and content. And why not? He was sitting comfortably in this cozy bar, surrounded by the gentle murmur of people, relaxing, and talking to this blindingly gorgeous man.

“Are you married?” Erwin asked suddenly.

“Married? Me? Fuck no! I couldn’t afford a wife or husband.”

_ Wait. What? ‘Husband’?  _

Levi was bi just like him it sounded like. Erwin couldn’t help grinning.

“Wouldn’t it help with your money problems?”

Levi eyeballed him. “Are you suggesting I become a golddigger?”

“Why not? You’re handsome enough to do it.”

Levi made that little noise again, like he was trying not to laugh.

“Tch. Too short, too bad-tempered.”

“You don’t strike me as bad-tempered.”

“You callin’ me short?”

Erwin laughed. “You are a little on the vertically-challenged side.”

“And what are you, you titan? Six feet?”

Erwin coyly sipped his beer. “Six-two.”

“Fuck me.”

It took all of Erwin’s willpower not to say  _ “If you insist.” _

  
  


Erwin ended up staying past midnight and Levi had to walk him outside and pour him onto the bus. Erwin looked owlishly at Levi’s hand on his arm. “I’m sorr...sorry. About the touching.”

Levi, surprisingly found that he didn’t mind it so much. He shrugged. “It’s mostly people’s hands. Up you go now. Watch your step. You remember where you live?”

Erwin nodded. “Hey, Levi?”

“Yeah?”

“See you soon?”

“You know where I work, Stretch. Now go get some sleep.”

_   
_ Levi was waiting for the water to boil for his tea and his ramen and talking to Rose.

“I met a guy at work,” he said. “God, that sounded corny. Not like  _ that _ . I mean I just met him and we talked.” 

Rose had been very uncharacteristically clingy since he’d gotten home. Now she did something he’d never had her do; she came and bumped against his leg, purring. He bent absently and stroked her bulging side.

“He’s really fucking good looking too and I don’t think he knows it. Seriously. Six-two, broad shoulders, narrow hips and this pale blond hair. And his eyes! Oh my god, they’re like  _ blue _ blue. Like yours.”

The kettle boiled and Levi turned to pour the water into his teapot and onto his ramen. He’d treated himself to not one but two packages of ramen. He’d sparred at the gym that morning and he was bone tired and aching and fucking starving. The water poured, he looked down at Rose who was sort of kneading in the air and staring up at him with her mismatched eyes.

“What’s up with you today? Did you get lonely while papa was at work?”

Levi never ate in front of the TV. He’d have had a heart attack if he’d spilled his food or gotten crumbs on his couch. He always sat at his tiny table. Rose sat beside his chair, staring up at him avidly. He gave her a noodle and she ate it delicately.

Later that night Levi laid in his bed and stared at the ceiling. He couldn’t get Erwin out of his mind. What was it about that guy? Maybe it was his personality, the opposite of his. Erwin was cheerful and polite and agreeable. Levi had never met such a nice man.

His hand strayed under the covers and he palmed his cock. It immediately stirred. Jesus, was he about to jerk off to the image of some guy he’d met at the  _ bar _ ? A guy he knew nothing about?

What the hell was wrong with him? He’d  _ never _ score a nice guy like Erwin. Why was he putting himself through this? Here he was jerking off  _ again _ . Hell, he hadn’t been laid since … Jesus, how long had it been? Since before his mom got sick.

He glanced towards the door (which he triple checked every night to make sure it was locked.) Rose’s basket was there, in the same spot that her temporary drawer had been when he first brought her home. He had deliberately left it there because the couch hid her from view of the bed. He didn’t want his cat-daughter watching him jerk off.

He was fully hard now, incredibly hard, and already leaking pre-cum. He snagged the lube off of the bedside table with his free hand and dribbled some onto himself, shivering at the cold sensation.

He started a slow stroke. He wanted this session to last. He pictured Erwin and, perversely, his hands. They were so  _ big _ . And the palms looked soft, not calloused like his own. He imagined one of them on his cock and shivered again. The thought of a person touching his cock with their bare hands was terrifying but intriguing.

He couldn’t remember what it felt like.

Erwin’s hand would be soft, and warm, and  _ clean _ . Levi’s own hand sped up without his permission.

After a minute Levi had a brisk rhythm going and grunted (softly) in time with his strokes. He was imagining what Erwin looked like under his clothes. He was a soft guy, not fat, but soft and broad with nice juicy thighs. Levi wondered if Erwin had that same golden hair everywhere, like on those thighs. Levi would like to run his hands over it, feel the soft springy hairs, bury his face in them and inhale deeply.

His hand flew now and made the beautifully obscene  _ schlick _ sound of sex.

“Oh, fuck, Erwin. Fuck! That feels good.” He murmured into the empty room. He imagined the man’s sweet smile, just for him, that jawline, those lips … Fuck he was close.

“Yeah, Erwin, just like that. Keep going,” he breathed.

He was going to come. He could feel it, that excruciating/incredible knot in his groin. He was panting now, a thin sheen of sweat covering his chest and face. He grabbed his pillow and bit down on the corner hard enough to hurt his teeth and came with a muffled cry.

For several long moments, he just lay on the bed, gasping, before he heaved himself up with a groan and walked unsteadily to the bathroom to shower. What a fucking loser he was.

When he was clean and the sheets had been changed, he checked on Rose. She was curled up (as well as she could in her condition) and asleep. He quadruple checked the door and went to bed.

  
  



	7. Krista

It was Krista who suggested the Happy Hangover.

Erwin was startled. Krista was a well-to-do kid. What did she know about the run-down bar in a poor neighborhood? Turns out that Levi could have told him the answer; the bar was a popular college dive. Krista had been there many times with various dates.

They drove in Krista’s little Honda, parking it in the alley beside the bar.

Erwin unfolded himself from the car and adjusted his clothes nervously.

“This is going to be a crappy date, Krista. I’m really broke.”

Krista, wearing a warm gold, fitted dress that accentuated her figure, slapped him on the arm. “I told you not to worry about it! I’m treating. I just got paid, I’ve got cash.”

Erwin was torn between gratefulness and guilt.

“Now turn that frown upside down and let's have a good time.” She gave him a roguish grin and took his arm. “Who knows, maybe you’ll get laid.”

Erwin blushed up to the roots of his hair and let her pull him along.

When they got into the bar it was crowded. It was Saturday night and the place was full of college kids as usual. The crowd was generally affable, conversation swelled and pool balls clicked in the back. Several people recognized Krista and yelled out greetings.

“Let’s hang out at the bar for a few. I’m thirsty for some Sex on the Beach!”

Krista guided them to the barstools closest to the pool tables and Erwin glanced at ‘his’ stool as he passed. He searched for Levi.

Levi didn’t notice Erwin for a few minutes, he was busy with drink orders, bar orders, refilling Ymir’s shots, and listening to her half-drunken ranting.

“You’re full of shit, Ackerman.”

“Do we have to go through this every time?”

Ymir knocked back a shot. “You didn’t even go to college.”

“Neither did you, big mouth.”

“I was born in the shadow of the school! All my friends went there! Of course, I’m a Trost fan!”

“And I was born in Sina, the  _ district _ ! This doesn’t stand for the school.” Levi gestured at the tattoo under his left collarbone.

“But you root for the school.”

“When I pay any attention to football.”

“Why?”

“The kids from U of T are all assholes.”

Levi abruptly startled. It was Erwin walking to the other end of the bar. He’d recognize that tall, blond fucker anywhere. Why wasn’t he in his regular seat?

With a sudden pang, he realized that Erwin was not alone. He and some tiny blond girl settled themselves on seats closest to the pool tables.

He didn’t know what to do. Was Erwin on a date? And what was with this kid? She looked about sixteen. Levi went to wash his hands.

When he was done and had on fresh gloves he returned to the bar, pulled a couple more beers, and made a Screwdriver. Ymir, who had followed his gaze when Erwin had come in, leaned over the bar. “Hey, Levi? You know those two?”

“I know the guy.”

“Who’s the girl? She’s hot as fuck.”

Levi shrugged and refilled her glass.

“What’s up your ass? Is the guy your boyfriend or something?”

Levi snorted. He poured Ymir another shot and set it next to the other.

“On the house.”

“What’s the occasion?”

“I’m tired of talking.”

Levi strode away and checked on the other customers. He flicked glances at Erwin and the girl. She laughed at something he said and put her hand on his arm. Levi’s stomach twisted. They  _ were _ on a date. Why did Erwin have to bring her  _ here _ ? He had to admit that they made a gorgeous couple. All that blond hair and perfect golden skin.

Levi was angry. Angry at Erwin, angry at himself. He would never find a partner for himself. Not with his shitty disorder. Not with his shitty attitude. He ached to wash his hands again, scrub them till they bled. Well, too late for that.

After a minute he sighed. He had to go serve them at some point. He walked down the bar.

“Levi!” Erwin seemed genuinely pleased to see him and smiled broadly.

“Erwin. What can I get you two?”

“Sex on the Beach!” Krista said brightly.

Erwin’s smile had faded and had been replaced by a frown.

_ Fuck. He even looks good frowning. _

Levi waited, stoney-faced.

“My usual, I guess,” Erwin said.

Levi did an about-face and left.

Erwin’s mind raced. What was wrong with Levi? He shot a glance at Krista. Was it her? He suddenly regretted ever agreeing to come out, for coming here at all.

Suddenly the stool to Erwin's right was occupied by a tall, slender woman with short brown hair and a smattering of freckles over her nose.

“Hiya! I’m Ymir.” She stuck out her hand and Erwin instinctively extended his. Ymir shook like a man. “Who’s your cute friend?” She leered at Krista like a wolf.

“Krista,” Krista said with a brilliant smile.

“Pleased to meet you, gorgeous.”

Erwin suspected he would  _ not _ be getting laid tonight.

The night crept by.

Erwin stayed passively at the bar while Krista chattered on, getting up frequently to socialize with people she knew (she seemed to know a  _ lot  _ of people), and finally grabbing a pool table and starting a game with Ymir.

Levi stayed far away, minding the bar. He only came back to give Erwin another beer or refresh Ymir’s and Krista's drinks. Then he left.

Erwin drank, on Krista’s tab, and sadly watched Levi. God, he had messed up. He wished Levi would at least talk to him.

He watched Levi wash his hands and re-glove for the sixth time. He was close now that Erwin was at this end of the bar, closest to the sink. Erwin could call out, get his attention but his heart wasn’t in it. He noticed that Levi seemed to be spending more and more time over the sink.

By midnight Erwin was drunk and Ymir and Krista were even worse than him, laughing and leaning on each other. At 12:30 Krista paid her bar tab. She looked at Erwin sheepishly. “Hey, I’m gonna head out, OK? Ymir’s gonna call us an Uber.” She fished two twenties out of her clutch and put them on the bar. “Here’s some more cash for you. Get some more beers.”

Erwin held up his hand. “No, you don’t have to. I’m good.”

“I want to. Have fun, Erwin. Sorry it didn’t work out.”

“It’s OK, Krista. I ‘preciate the drinks.”

Krista smiled. “Here hold this. I gotta go pee.” She handed Erwin her purse.

Erwin watched as she wove her way to the Ladies’, Ymir holding her up. Their drunken giggles carried back to him.

Levi was ignoring them, putting Krista’s money into the till.

It was ten minutes later when Levi, curious, wandered over with another beer for Erwin. “What happened to your date?”

“That cute blond chick?” It was the guy sitting a few stools down from Erwin. “She and that other girl left a few minutes ago.”

“Shit,” Levi said but he moved away all the same.

Erwin was swallowing the last of his beer when he realized that Krista’s purse sat beside him on her stool.

“Crap,” he said. He looked around for Levi. He was washing his hands again.

The bar had gotten much quieter. Most of the crowd was gone. Only the heavy drinkers remained, most dotting the tables scattered around the floor. The barstools were almost all vacant.

Erwin studied Levi’s back, admired the snout of the dragon that twisted under his shirt. He didn’t want to call out to him and startle him. He grabbed Krista’s purse and stood unsteadily.

Carefully holding onto the bar to keep his balance, he slipped in the swinging gate that led back behind the bar. Crossing the space to the sink he aimed for a spot to the left, far enough away from Levi for his comfort.

Levi was hunched over the sink, oblivious to Erwin. When Erwin finally came around enough to actually see what Levi was doing he gasped.

Levi’s hands, his beautiful hands, pale and long-fingered and strong, were red and chapped and cracked, not white like the rest of his un-inked skin. They were like wrist length gloves of hurt. Erwin was shocked. As he stared Levi flexed them, grimacing and some of the cracks over his knuckles split and bled. Levi cursed, going to wash yet again.

Erwin’s mind raced. Did Levi have some sort of disease?

He watched as the smaller man carefully rinsed the blood off and scrubbed his already damaged hands with soap and a stiff brush. It had to hurt like a son of a bitch.

He searched his mind. He’d seen something like this somewhere, on television or something. Something about obsessive hand washing … It came to him suddenly. It was a mental thing. Levi had a disorder.

Levi had patted his hands dry with a clean towel (now spotted with blood) and was sticking bandaids over the worst cracks. Afterward, he pulled on a fresh pair of nitrile gloves. He turned just in time to see Erwin standing there, staring.

“What’s eating you, Stretch?” he snapped.

Erwin put both hands up, palms outward in a placating gesture. “Nothing! Nothing. I was just looking for you.” He held up the purse. “The ... young lady left this.”

Levi eyeballed the small purse and hesitated. Erwin realized that he didn’t want to touch it. “Is … is there anywhere I can put it … or …?”

A relieved look crossed Levi’s face and he gestured toward the bar. “Yeah, put it there, under the bar. She’ll come back for it.” He glared at Erwin. “Now if you would please get out from back here. Customers are not allowed behind the bar.”


	8. I'm Normally Not This Bad

Levi let himself into his apartment and made a beeline for the sink. He stripped off his gloves and began scrubbing his hands with the stiff brush he kept there just for that purpose. He knew he’d be up all night cleaning.

He scrubbed, gritting his teeth against the pain. Pain in his hands, pain in his heart. The foam from the Ivory soap boiled up pink. He scrubbed some more.

He hated himself, hated life, hated Erwin. Fuck Erwin. Fuck him for judging him. He rinsed and re-soaped. The foam was red now.

Erwin  _ did _ judge him, right? Who wouldn’t? He was a fucking freak. He replayed the horrified, pitying look on Erwin’s face over and over in his mind. He turned the tap on full hot and hissed as the water hit his hands. Finally, sobbing, he turned off the taps. Enough. Blood ran lazily over his knuckles and dripped into the sink. He’d have to rinse that off. Taking a breath he made himself turn on only the cold water and eased his battered hands under the flow.

The blood combined with the water in the sink and made it look like a murder scene. He turned it off and carefully patted his hands dry, tossing the bloody towel, with a moue of disgust, into the laundry basket. He’d probably never get that blood out.

Hands shaking, he retrieved his first aid kit out of the cabinet and sat down at the table. He just sat, longing for a cup of tea, but he had to let his hands air dry. He waited. They dried slowly, the skin stretching tight, the pain singing. Eventually, they were fully dry and he retrieved a small tub of cream from the first aid box.

Gingerly he smeared gobs of the soothing emollient onto his hands. Jesus, it felt good. He gently rubbed it in, taking care not to make the blood start up again. Better.

Oh shit, what was he going to do? How would he ever be able to have a roommate in his home? Nobody could see his hands. Nobody. Only his doctor and his therapist had ever seen them when they were this bad. Well, and Farlan and Isobel, when his mom was sick and then after she died. And now Erwin.

How was he ever going to find someone to love him with this shitty disease? He’d probably never see Erwin again. He didn’t blame him. He stood to make himself tea, smearing the handle of his electric kettle, his teapot, and his cup with the slimy cream. There was no helping it.

He purposely kept his eyes averted from the sink. He would force himself to wait to clean. He could do it.

He returned to the table with his tea, poured the bare minimum of milk into his cup, and sipped gratefully. Because of the goo on his hands, he had to hold the cup awkwardly in his palm to avoid dropping it. The hot porcelain burned like hellfire but he withstood it. He took a long sip and looked down. Rose was there, sat patiently, doing her weird air-kneading.

“I’m sorry, Rosie baby. Papa had a bad day. Gimme a second and I’ll get your food.”

Rose cocked her head, kneaded the air, and waited patiently.

Levi hung his head for a moment then took a deep breath, letting it out through his nose. He counted backward from ten, willing himself to relax. He was home. He was safe.

“Papa really fucked up tonight, Rose. I think I scared the shit out of that guy I like. He saw my hands.”

Rose cocked her head, kneading, kneading.

Levi finished his first cup and poured his second, plying the milk. When he was done, he stood and retrieved another dishtowel, patting each hand all over to absorb any remaining cream. Then he fed Rose.

Finally, he carefully pulled on his long rubber dish gloves and mixed up a piping hot bucket of cleanser.

He started with the sink.

Erwin was back at his closet of an apartment, pacing back and forth. Every now and then he dragged his fingers through his hair agitatedly.

How could he have been so  _ stupid _ ? He had no business going behind the bar like that. He had effectively betrayed Levi’s privacy and his trust. The image of his red and cracked hands crawled to the forefront of his mind. Levi lived with that every day? The man would probably never speak to him again.

No. That wouldn’t do. He  _ liked  _ Levi, wanted to be around him more. Damn this disorder. It didn’t define Levi. Erwin wouldn’t let it.

  
  


To Levi’s shock, Erwin came into the bar a couple of days later. He sat on his regular stool. Levi served him in silence. Erwin never spoke. Levi moved off quickly, ignoring him.

Erwin sipped his beer and waited patiently. He knew he had done something wrong and he was determined to right it. He gave Levi his space. He was stubborn and he had all the time in the world.

Levi continued to steadfastly ignore Erwin but Erwin caught his staring at him a couple of times. Erwin drank his beer. The bar emptied further.

Finally, Levi strayed close. He stood, much as he had the first time they’d met, awkwardly, as if he wanted to speak but couldn’t work up the words.

Erwin’s gaze strayed to Levi’s hands and his stomach twisted. How could Levi do this to himself? It was a terrible disorder.

Levi noticed his look and fiddled with his gloves, clearly angry and embarrassed.

“I’m normally not this bad,” he blurted.

Erwin just looked at him. He didn’t know what to say.

“Not that it’s any of your business,” he started, belligerently, “My friends …“ He seemed to choke on the words. He was clearly torn between defensiveness and explaining himself. “My friends died a few weeks ago. It’s been bad since then.”

Erwin’s face pinched in sympathy. “I … I’m so sorry, Levi. Do you take medication for it? What’s it called?”

_ Why the fuck did he care? _ Levi hesitated. Just saying the words might be cathartic. He tried it.

“Medication, weekly sessions with a shrink. It’s OCD.”

Ah, Erwin had heard of that.

“I’m doing CBT therapy - Cognitive Behavior Therapy.”

“Doesn’t it help?”

“I have good weeks and bad weeks.”

“You were bleeding …”

“Well, the knuckles were my fault. I’ve been in the gym working the heavy bag. Maybe a bit too much.” He stared down at his hands accusingly as if they had done it to themselves.

“Can I do anything to help?”

Levi’s gaze shot up to Erwin’s face looking for revulsion or pity or worse; amusement. He found none. He was at a loss.

Erwin nodded firmly. “I want to help.”

Levi swallowed with a dry click. No one had ever said that to him who wasn’t a professional. Was Erwin actually serious? Or was he just fucking around? Or, at the very worst, looking for some sad little pet project?

The evening went by a little more pleasantly. Levi was cool but attentive, Erwin relaxed.

“So what do you do for fun?” Erwin asked after his fourth beer.

“Fun?”

“Yeah.”

“I clean,” Levi said dryly.

“I said for fun, Levi.” Erwin laughed.

“Hey, maybe I love it, maybe I get a hard-on just cleaning the grout between the tiles in my bathroom.”

Erwin giggled at that. “But then you’d ejaculate all over and have to clean again.”

“True.” Levi threw his towel over his shoulder. “And who the hell says ‘ejaculate’?” He cupped his hand next to his crotch and twisted his hips back and forth. “I’d  _ cum _ all over, you prissy bastard.”

Erwin swallowed at the vivid image and licked his lips, embarrassed that he’d imagined it. Levi’s ears went red and he hurried on. “Nah, seriously, I work on my bike, I suppose.”

“Your bike? Why don’t you bike to work then?”

“Motorcycle. It’s an old Indian I’m restoring.” Levi retrieved his wallet and brought out a folded picture.

“You keep a picture of your motorcycle in your wallet?”

“We’re in love.”

Erwin chortled at that and inspected the pic. It showed a long, low bike with Levi posed awkwardly behind it.

“Wow. Nice! That must have cost a pretty chunk of change.”

“In bits and pieces, yeah, but I enjoy it.”

“Why don’t you ride it to work?”

“And have some drunk puke on it in the alley? Hell no. I take it out on Sundays, ride out to the country.”

Erwin handed the photograph back. “That sounds really nice.”

“What about you? What do you do for fun? Besides tiny blondes?”

“Oh, ouch! That was a one-time thing and I never got a chance to ‘do’ anything. I’ll have you know that my last boyfriend was tall and dark.”

“And handsome?”

“I wouldn’t go that far …”

“So what happened? Where is he?”

“Broke up with me last week. By text.” Erwin gulped his beer. “Said he was going back to his wife.”

“That’s pretty shitty.”

“Yeah …”

Levi dried a glass. “Is it too much to ask to find someone who doesn’t treat us like shit?” he asked suddenly.

Erwin sighed. “Good damned question.”

“Tch. Language!”

Erwin threw back his head and laughed.


	9. Better Love Cats

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sincerest apologies for not posting this yesterday! I'm in America and, well ... the insanity is real, LOL!

Erwin came into the bar regularly from then on.

“Aren’t you spending your rent money?” Levi asked, pushing a beer across the bar.

“I didn’t have it all anyway,” Erwin said stubbornly. “Besides, I like talking to you. It makes me feel better.”

Levi had nothing to say to that and busied himself polishing a glass.

Erwin got more talkative as he had more beer.

Levi came by with his fifth Budweiser and Erwin cocked his head. “I know you don’t like to touch other people but how do you feel if they touch you?”

Levi took a sharp breath and shook his head firmly.

Erwin looked crushed. “Sorry … I …”

_ Jesus. The man was just trying to be nice, Levi. Give him a break. _

“No. No, don’t apologize. I was just … here.”

Levi put his right hand down on the bar, clenched into a tight, nervous fist in his glove. “I’m better with the gloves on. Try it ...”

Erwin, who wanted nothing more than to hold that hand,  _ hug the man, kiss him …  _ reached out slowly. He placed one finger on the back of Levi’s glove. He felt the man shudder.

“Is that OK?”

“Not … not bad. We kinda do this sort of thing in therapy.”

“How has your week been?”

Levi stared at him, “Seriously?”

“Seriously. How was it?”

“Well, this idiot I know came in with this blond chick the other day.”

Erwin cringed. “I hear she bailed on him.”

“She did but it was his own fault. He didn’t pay her any attention and I got the feeling that she was an attention whore.”

“Ohh, harsh.”

“I’ll bet it’s true.”

Erwin smiled. “It is.” He very very gently touched Levi's clenched knuckles.

Levi hissed.

“Sorry!”

“S’OK. Hurts. Split knuckles, remember?”

“Oh, I forgot.”

This was a bunch of shit. Levi hated it. Why couldn’t he just be normal? “Look, I’m sorry,” he said suddenly. “I’m sorry for the way I am. I hate it.”

“I know this is not you, it’s your OCD.”

“It will never go away, you know.” Levi searched Erwin's face. “I’ll be like this, have this shit, do this shit, for the rest of my life.”

“I don’t care.”

Levi looked stunned. “Can I … get you another beer?”

“Only if you’ll have some whisky with me.”

“Done.”

Soon, Levi leaned relaxedly on the bar and sipped his bourbon. Erwin drank his beer. 

“So, you wanna go out sometime?”

Levi choked on his drink. “Out? Like a date? With me?”

“Sure. I’m asking, aren’t I?”

“And do what?”

“Get a drink.”

“Aren’t we doing that now?”

“True.”

“And aren’t we both poor as fucking churchmice?”

Erwin sighed. He’d momentarily forgotten about his situation. “Also true,” he conceded. “Can we exchange numbers anyway? Maybe just talk?”

Levi was in a mild panic. What should he do? He felt so exposed.

“Just like friends,” Erwin said.

Levi swallowed a big slug of bourbon. “OK.”

  
  


Levi had to help Erwin to the bus again. He was even more wobbly than he’d been the last time. The bus driver was so used to picking up drunks at the bar that he didn’t react at all.

Erwin paused in the doorway.

“Call me … OK?”

Levi shrugged. “Maybe.”

  
  


Another week passed and it was just one more week till the end of the month. It was Sunday and Levi was cleaning. He scrubbed his counter with the phone pinched between his jaw and his shoulder. He was talking to Erwin.

“When is your rent due?”

“The first.”

“Mine, too. Do you have it?”

“Nope. I’ve cut everything to the bone and saved every cent and I'll still be $300 short.” Levi heard him sigh.

“Shouldn’t drink so much, you lush.”

“Levi, I haven’t consumed $300 worth of alcohol.”

“OK, true.” Levi picked up his toaster and polished it. “Will they kick you out?”

“I think they have to give me at least a month. They have my deposit. What about you?”

“I have about half of mine and my landlord has agreed to let me clean out some of the empty apartments in exchange for the rest, so next month’s covered. My landlord is a good guy, he’ll give me a month or two after that to try to scrape up the cash but I still don’t know what the fuck I’m gonna do. I won’t have any more money next month.” Levi shifted the phone and bent to scrub his cabinets. “What about you?”

“I’ve been applying for jobs everywhere I can find but I don’t know if or when I’ll be hired. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Have you thought any more about a roommate?”

Levi straightened and shifted uncomfortably. “I’m still thinking about it. Have you thought about a roommate?”

“I’ve got literally nowhere to put one. My overpriced flat is so tiny that I don't even have a couch. Where would he sleep? With me?”

Levi growled at that. “You should move out of that neighborhood. Come and slum it with us truly poor folks.”

“I wish I could, but even at a lower rent, I don’t have enough for first month’s rent and a deposit.”

“What will you do?”

“Crash with my buddy Mike for a while, I guess. Save my money. Hope for the best.”

“You’re way too upbeat for a guy who’s fixin’ t’be homeless.”

Erwin laughed down the phone and Levi moved into the bathroom. He began scrubbing the tub. Rose came and watched him curiously.

“You need to get out of here,” Levi told her. He used a lot of bleach when he cleaned and he was afraid it would hurt her or the kittens.

“Me?” Erwin said.

“No, dumbass, my cat.”

“You have a cat?”

“She was starving in an alley. What was I supposed to do?” Levi eyed Rose’s belly which bulged out comically when she sat. “If I get a roomie, he’d damned well better love cats.”

The next day Erwin showed up at the bar again. Levi set a beer in front of him and scowled. “I thought you were broke.”

“Krista floated me a loan. I thought you and I could have another ‘date’ sort of.”

Levi grimaced. “I thought we had agreed to ‘just friends.’ You should have asked her for the $300.”

Erwin laughed. “She thought of the same thing but she didn’t have it. She even asked if I wanted her to ask her dad to loan me some. I declined. How would I pay it back?” He took a long sip of his beer. “It would just be a bandaid.” That thought made Erwin look at Levi’s hands. “How are your hands today?”

Levi shrugged, still embarrassed to talk about it. “About the same. I wish Farlan and Isobel were here. It was so much better with them to talk to.”

“Farlan and Isobel? Were those your friends?”

Levi frowned down at the bar. “Yeah.” Erwin was silent and Levi went to wait on another customer. When he went to the cash register to ring the money up he snagged a small polaroid from the wall next to it and handed it to Erwin.

It showed a very young couple leaning against a new blue Prius. The boy was tall and sandy-haired and had his arm around a girl with fiery red hair caught up in two short, pert pony-tails on either side of her head. The girl was laughing into the camera and the boy looked down at her lovingly.

“They look so happy.”

Levi took back the pic and looked down at it fondly and sadly. “They were. They had just gotten married.”

“How did they pass away? If you don’t mind talking about it.”

“Nah … talking helps. Car accident. Drunk driver. That was the car they died in. It was crushed like a beer can.”

“I’m so sorry, Levi. You must miss them terribly.”

“Every day. They were like family. I don’t know what I’d have done without them after my mom got sick. And after she died.” 

Erwin’s finger touched Levi’s over the bar. Levi flinched then relaxed. Erwin traced little circles over the back of his hand idly.


	10. Emergency

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> REALLY short chapter! Sorry! Won't happen again.

When Levi got home he was in a good mood, his face slightly flushed with the whisky he’d drunk with Erwin. Rose met him at the door, winding around his ankles.

“What are you still doing up?”

Rose circled and purred, circled and purred. Levi crouched to pet her and she bumped up eagerly into his hand. “What in the world has gotten into you?” he asked. Then she opened her mouth and meowed. Levi was stunned. He’d never heard her make a sound before. What the hell?

  
  


Levi woke up at four am, tangled in the sheets, and looked around the room. Something was wrong. Something had woken him up. He was just climbing out of bed when a terrible noise started up. It wasn’t loud but it was frantic. He whipped his head around trying to find the source of it. He finally located it.

Rose.

Erwin’s phone buzzed urgently at 4:10. It took him a moment to come up out of sleep and when he did he stared at the clock.

What the heck?

His phone buzzed again, jittering on the bedside table. He snatched it up.

“Levi?”

“Oh my god, Erwin, I don’t know what to do!”

“Calm down, what’s happened?”

“It’s Rose. She’s making a terrible sound and writhing around!”

Erwin’s head throbbed. “Rose?”

“My cat! I think she’s having her kittens and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if she’s alright. There’s not a vet anywhere close by and I don’t have the money anyway. What do I do? She’s making a helluva lot of noise!”

“Stay put. I’ll come right away. Give me your address.”

Erwin had to wait ten minutes for the bus and he was fraught with anxiety the whole way. Finally, he almost leaped off at Levi’s stop and ran the two blocks to Levi’s apartment. He sprinted up the stairs and Levi met him at the door.

“How is she?”

Levi backed into the room and gestured at a small basket by the door. “I don’t know. She stopped the noise and now she just gets up and down and meows weirdly. Do you think the kittens are stuck? They feel really big for her being so small. Can they get stuck?” 

Erwin crouched down over the basket. The small black and white cat, lying on her side, stretched and stiffened, trembling, as he watched. She held the pose for a moment then relaxed only to repeat it a few seconds later.

“Is she OK?” Levi asked. Erwin noticed that he was without his gloves. “Is she dying, you think? Fuck!”

At that moment Rose gave an odd, strangling cry and went rigid. A small slimy bundle appeared out from under her tail so quickly that Erwin recoiled.

“A kitten!” Erwin said, leaning back over. “She’s had one!”

“Is it alive? Is it OK?”

Rose had relaxed visibly, though she sat up and panted like a dog. The slimy bundle suddenly jerked. It made a small sound and Rose immediately looked around to investigate. She nosed it for a moment and it began to squirm.

“I think it’s OK!” Erwin said. He leaned sideways to give Levi a clear look.

“Oh, eww. Is it supposed to look like that? It’s all slimy.”

“So were you and I when we were just born, I’ll bet.”

Rose began enthusiastically cleaning the kitten, causing it to writhe like a dark grub. It kept up an insistent series of surprisingly lusty meows.

“Yuck! Don’t eat that stuff. Rose!” Levi said, aghast.

Rose ignored him and kept cleaning her offspring.

The kitten was clean and was blindly groping around with its spindly legs when Rose went rigid again. The second kitten was born much more quickly and with a lot less fuss. Rose devotedly began cleaning it.

By the time the sky had started to faintly lighten there were three fluffy kittens, two black and whites, and a calico, in a row, eating raptly. Rose looked positively smug.

Levi crouched down by the basket and stroked her head and she purred deeply.

“Jesus, Rosie, you scared papa. I thought you were dying.” He straightened back up and turned to Erwin. “Tea?”

“Please! I’m half asleep.” He yawned as if in demonstration.

Levi bustled about the kitchen area making tea. He also sacrificed four pieces of his precious bread for toast.

“I don’t have any butter but I have jam.”

“Good enough,” Erwin said cheerfully.

Levi set the teapot down on the table along with two cups and saucers. They and the plates for the toast almost didn’t fit on the tiny table. The two men ate and drank in a tense silence. Levi kept glancing at Rose’s basket.

“Thank you so much for coming. I was panicking.”

“You did just fine. You know you can always count on me.”

“I appreciate that. I felt helpless. I’m glad she’s OK.”

“Me too. I love cats.”

Levi stilled, his teacup halfway to his mouth.

“Well, fuck.”

“What?”

“What if … well … why don’t  _ you _ move in here?”

“In here? With you? Like a roommate?”

“Yeah. I need the money and you need a place to stay.”

“But your OCD. I don’t want to make it worse. What if I do something wrong and trigger you?”

“Erwin, my cat just squeezed three slimy, bloody cat-slugs out of her cat-vagina _ in my living room  _ and I’m not doing too badly. How could you top that?”

Erwin laughed. “I’ve been accused of being messy but I don’t think I can.”

“I’m willing to try it. I’m desperate. Better you than a stranger.”

Erwin admired him for a moment. It took a hell of a lot of strength on Levi’s part to even suggest it.

“We could make it like a trial thing. Will you?”

Erwin put his cup back into the saucer decisively. “Yes! Yes, I will. If you promise to be patient with me.”

“Same.”

Erwin moved in on Friday and Krista brought his stuff over in her Honda.


	11. Roommates

That first day, especially the first few hours, was awkward, to say the least. The two men circled each other warily like suspicious cats—or, rather like a suspicious cat and a big, friendly dog.

The first thing Levi did was unfold the fold-out bed from the couch (and it was a nice one, too, full-sized, bigger than Levi’s own) and fuss over it. He stubbornly insisted on cleaning it (again. He folded out the bed and vacuumed it off every week at least.) He was a bit bemused at having to use Erwin’s sheets that he’d brought, as his bed was a twin and the fold-out was full-sized, but he begrudgingly allowed it. “I’d like to wash all of your sheets if you don’t mind,” he grumbled.

The bed done, the two men companionably ate lunch together (cheese sandwiches and canned soup that Erwin had brought,) then Levi ordered Erwin onto the couch to watch TV while he tidied up his stuff.

“I should be helping!” Erwin protested.

“You don’t know where everything goes,” Levi said darkly.

There wasn’t an ounce of extra room or furniture in the tiny flat so Levi made space in his own closet and dresser for Erwin’s things.

“You’ve got the two bottom drawers,” Levi said “and the right side of the closet. I’m putting all of your boxes below your shirts, OK?” Erwin nodded.

Erwin amused himself watching Jim Gaffigan on Netflix while Levi puttered about. He was pleased to hear Levi humming to himself as he meticulously arranged the new food that Erwin had brought in the cupboards

  
  


“OK, we need to go over some ground rules,” Levi said. They had both been busy putting away Erwin’s things. Or rather Levi had. He had insisted on re-folding everything. “Your shirts need to be ironed. How do you go to work in wrinkled shit?”

Erwin, who deeply suspected that Levi ironed his socks and underwear, shook his head. “They’re fine Levi. I don’t want you working for me. You're my roommate, not my wife.”

Levi snorted. “You  _ need _ a wife, dickhead.”

Erwin put his fist on his hips. “What else?”

“Leave your shoes by the door. Keep your bath and hygiene stuff put away. Wash out the tub and the sink after you use them.”

“I can do that …”

“And eat at the table! No crumbs anywhere!”

Erwin pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. This was going to be harder than he thought.

“And stay out of my kitchen!”

“How will I eat?!”

“I’ll prepare everything.”

“That’s you working for me, Levi.”

“Tough titty, princess.” Levi jutted his jaw out and Erwin gave in.

  
  


They didn’t even make it through the day.

“Fuck, Erwin! I told you about your shoes!”

Erwin froze guiltily. He looked down at his shoes. “But they’re clean.”

Levi scowled, his hands on his hips. “They’ve been outside, Erwin. On the ground.”

“But …”

Levi pointed at the door. “Shoes. Now.”

Erwin went obediently.

“And what’s this?” Levi held up a bag of chips that had been on the table. He held them with his thumb and forefinger like an unsavory science experiment.

“Doritos. Cool ranch. I closed them. I even put a clip on them.”

Levi pulled open a drawer in the kitchen and extracted a large ziplock bag. “Everything goes into a bag, please. And then into the cupboard.”

Oh, this was going to be a challenge.

Their schedules immediately clashed. Erwin worked noon to 8 pm and Levi worked 6 pm to 2 am. Both men frequently came in later as they each had closing duties to perform at their jobs.

But Levi got up at 5:30 and usually took a nap in the late afternoon before work. Still, he got—max—4 or 5 hours sleep. Erwin liked to linger in bed, sometimes to 10 am.

“How do you get by on so little sleep?!”

“Why do you need so much?!”

“At least I don’t eat tuna four times a week!”

“It’s got something in it called ‘nutrients,’ something you wouldn’t be familiar with, potato-chip-breath!”

“At least it’s not tuna breath!”

“Rose doesn’t mind it!”

Rose, who was the recipient of both the tuna juice and all of the dropped potato chips, purred around their ankles.

“And I’m not the one cleaning the entire bathroom at 6:30 am!”

“Well, I’m not the one eating chips on the couch in front of the TV!”

Erwin recoiled. He hadn’t known that Levi knew. Could the man  _ smell _ crumbs?

“You’ll upset the kittens with all this shouting!” Erwin finally said.

“You’re shouting too!”

Both men immediately crossed to Rose’s basket. The kittens,

three fat, fuzzy grubs, were sleeping soundly. Levi crouched and touched one of the black and white ones and it twitched. “Awww. Look at them sleep.”

Erwin grinned down at them. They were insanely cute.

“Why were we fighting again?”

“Cuz you’re a messy asshole.” Levi ran his hand through his hair. “OK, OK. and I was being one, too. I’ll wait till later to clean the bathroom,” Levi grudgingly said.

“And I’ll stop eating on the couch. I promise.”

Levi stood. “I’m not giving up my tuna, though!”

  
  
  


“What are you doing here?”

Erwin was sat on his regular stool at the bar. It was Saturday. He grinned. “Now that my rent has gone way down, I’ve got cash. I even paid Krista back.”

“So you come to bug me?”

“Yep.”

“Well, I expect a tip. Don’t forget to feed Rose when you get home. She needs the extra food for milk.”

“I know, I know. I never do. She’s gonna get fat.”

“Good. She deserves it after what she had to go through. I don’t know what would have happened to her if I hadn’t brought her home.”

Erwin suddenly looked serious. He spoke into his beer. “What are you planning on doing with the kittens?”

Levi looked gobsmacked. “Keep them, of course.”

Erwin’s jaw dropped. “All of them?”

“I can’t choose between them! Besides, I don’t know that they'd get the love they need if I give them away. What if the person got tired of their kitten and left it in an alley to starve, like Rose?!”

Erwin was touched. “That’s four cats, though.”

“So I’ll be one of those old cat ladies. Just me and my cats …” he eyeballed Erwin, “and my tuna.”

“And me.” 

Levi looked at him, shocked. He carefully cleaned the bar around Erwin for a bit. “You’ll get tired of me. I’m surprised you haven’t cut and run already,” he said quietly.

Erwin shook his head firmly. “If I made it this long … assuming you’ll have me, of course. I know I drive you nuts.”

Levi wiped some more. “Ahh, you’re not that bad.”

Erwin smiled happily.

“Besides,” Levi said, “I kinda like having someone there. It’s … nice.”

  
  
  


One of the benefits that Levi really enjoyed about having a roommate was that he could afford a larger variety of food. He had even started cooking. Erwin was sitting at the table devouring a huge plate of spaghetti at that moment.

“Jesus, you eat like a pig.”

Erwin chewed a big mouthful and swallowed. “You know you love me.”

“Yeah? How do you know? You still leave blond hairs all over my bathroom.”

“You cook for me.”

Levi sat down with his much smaller plate. “I cook for  _ us _ , dickhead. I’m not your wife.”

“But you said I needed a wife,” Erwin teased.

“Yeah, yeah. Wipe your face, asshole.”

  
  
  


Sundays, both their days off, was movie day for Erwin and Levi. They still had to maintain a semblance of their sleep schedules so as not to mess up their rhythm for work but they always made time to sit and watch on Sunday night.

Levi settled on the couch (after looking it carefully and suspiciously over for crumbs.) “Netflix or a DVD?”

“I thought we could watch Die Hard. It’s on Netflix now.”

“Die Hard? That’s one of my Christmas movies.”

Erwin laughed. “What?”

“Yeah. It counts as a Christmas film! It takes place at a Christmas party!”

“You’re strange.”

“True, but right. The Ref, with Denis Leary, is a Christmas film too!”

Erwin laughed. “Well, can we watch it? Die Hard, I mean. We’ll save The Ref for the holidays.”

“Sure. I love Alan Rickman. He’s hot.”

  
  
  


Levi and Erwin were just getting home after a Sunday afternoon of grocery shopping. Levi, who got up the stairs faster than Erwin, who had stopped in the lobby to get their mail, encountered their neighbors. Both were older women, both widows, one of whom lived in the flat next to theirs and the other who lived across the hall. They and Levi had always been friendly and he often did little odd jobs for them like fixing things or carrying packages up the steep stairs for them.

“Levi! How are you? We never seem to see you much anymore.”

“Mrs. Arbogast, Mrs. Rodrigues.”

“Levi, would you be a dear and come look at my parlor lamp for me? It keeps flickering.”

“Of course, Mrs. A. I’ll try to get by today.”

“Where’s that handsome boyfriend of yours?”

Levi almost dropped his groceries. He fumbled with his key. “He … He’s not … We’re just roommates, Mrs. Rodrigues.”

“No!” Mrs. Arbogast said. “No wonder you two are so quiet at night.”

“But he’s so handsome and sweet! Do you know he carried all of my groceries up the other day? What a dear man.”

Levi was cherry red. What, had they been listening avariciously for the headboard banging the wall? Horny old women!

Erwin appeared at that moment, slightly winded.

“There he is! Levi says you two aren’t boyfriends.”

Levi was gratified that Erwin seemed as blind-sided as he had been. He didn’t, however, deny it, but charged congenially on. “How’s your arthritis today, Mrs. R.? And has that successful son of yours called, Mrs. A.?”

Deflected, both women began chattering enthusiastically and at once. Levi hefted Erwin’s bag and his own and fled into the apartment.

  
  
  


Erwin was sitting at the table and devouring his beloved chips while Levi began prepping supper. “You’re gonna ruin your appetite.”

“You know my appetite,” Erwin said. “I’ll be fine.” He accidentally-on-purpose dropped a chip so Rose could eat it. “Papa is a worry-wart, isn’t he, Rose?”

Rose crunched her chip noisily.

“You’ll make her sick.”

“She loves them! You love that kettle-cooked goodness as much a daddy does, don’t you, Rosie?” He gave her another.

Levi’s head snapped up. “So you’re ‘daddy’ now?”

Erwin went red. “Well … we are kind of cat-daddies … together,” he said quietly. Levi mulled it over, chopping carrots.

Erwin looked contemplatively over at Rose’s basket. “AND cat-granddaddies, too.”

“I’m too young to be a grandpa …” Levi groused.


	12. Just Try

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh! Second time I've posted a chapter a day late! I'm so sorry! Blame NaNoWriMo!  
> I promise to get back on schedule Friday!

One Saturday Levi changed into a ragged pair of jeans and a holey tshirt. Erwin stared. Levi was very particular about his clothes. He had a simple wardrobe but it was always neat and clean. “What in the world?”

Levi grabbed his coat. “C’mon. I want to show you something.”

Erwin hurried to get his coat.

The apartment building had a basement that had long ago been an underground garage. The owner had erected floor-to-ceiling chain-link cages, each with a door that had a chain welded on it. These were for the tenants, one for each, where they could put their extra stuff, bicycles, and other things that didn’t go into their apartments and lock them up. Levi walked down the row to the one for him and took out the key for the lock that he’d put on the chain.

Erwin’s jaw dropped.

All the other spaces were crammed with boxes and junk and Levi’s held one item. A bright red motorcycle. Levi pulled the gate wide open.

“Come on.”

The bike, resting on its kickstand, had another heavy chain threaded through one wheel and the frame. Levi bent to unlock it.

“Levi! It’s amazing! So beautiful!”

Levi’s face colored in pleasure. Tossing the chain aside, he straightened and pulled the bike upright. “This is it. My baby. The Indian.”

Erwin was afraid to touch it.

Levi walked it outside the cage and up the old brick ramp into the sunshine.

The motorcycle was even more beautiful in the sun. It gleamed warmly.

Levi slung one leg over the seat, having to lean the bike at a precipitous angle to do so because of his height. It was clearly a heavy machine but Levi handled it easily.

Erwin’s lips parted. Levi looked like a dark god on that bike.

“Get on.”

“Wha-what?”

“Get on. Let’s go for a ride.”

“I’ve never ridden before!”

“Ahh, you’ll be OK, you baby.’ He suddenly jumped up and came down hard on the kick-starter and the Indian roared to life. Erwin marveled at the loud throaty noise. “Get on.” Levi hollered over the roar.

Erwin hesitated, then he gripped Levi’s leather-clad shoulder and awkwardly slung one long leg over the seat. He settled behind Levi, shifting around to get comfortable.

Levi handed him back a gleaming black helmet and donned an old fashioned one that looked like a black WW2 military helmet.

“You on? Hold onto me.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. I don’t want to have to come back and pick your big ass up off the pavement.”

Erwin tentatively wrapped his arms around Levi’s slender waist.

“OK. I’m not joking. Hold on.”

Levi engaged the clutch and moved off smoothly.

Erwin was thrilled. It was a strange, freeing sensation to be on a bike. Levi paused at the mouth of the alley, touching his foot to the ground then merged easily into the road.

It was exhilarating to be on the motorcycle. Slipping in and out of traffic (and once through an alleyway.) Speeding along too fast on the motorway. Arcing over bridges with a perfect view all around you. The best was sitting at stoplights. People stared, stared at the bike, stared at Levi. Erwin watched them through the one-way finish on his helmet visor and wondered what they thought. Did they think him odd? Did they think Levi was a thug because of the motorcycle and the tattoos? Did people think they were boyfriends?

The scamandered around and eventually ended up back home.

Erwin pulled off his helmet, rearranging his damp, flattened hair. “That was great!”

Levi was clearly pleased. He dismounted, pulled off his helmet and grabbed a rag. “I was hoping you’d like it. Now piss off. I gotta clean her up and tinker awhile.”

Erwin went back upstairs with a spring in his walk and a big smile on his face.

  
  
  


“You’re getting better, you know,” Erwin said one day out of the blue.

“Better?” They were eating and Levi paused, a spoonful of chili halfway to his mouth.

“Yeah. You’ve gotten more relaxed.”

“Huh.” The spoon went back onto his bowl.

Levi realized that he was right. Not only was he cleaning less, but his hand washing was down to a minimum.

“Your hands look good.”

Levi inspected his hands critically. It was true. His hands were still sort of red but there were no cracks, no chafing.

“You even let me touch you now.”

“No …” 

“You do. I held onto you when we were on the bike. I touched your arm just a minute ago and I leaned over your lap yesterday while we were watching TV.”

“You were getting Rose’s cat toy.”

“Yep, and I leaned right over you.”

“Huh!”

“Watch. Give me your hand.”

Levi hesitated. “What?”

“Try it. Give me your hand.”

Erwin extended his hand and Levi regarded it gravely. “I … I need to get my gloves.”

“Nope.”

“Erwin …”

“Just try. If you don’t make it, you don’t make it. Nothing changes.”

Levi tentatively extended his hand. His fingers brushed Erwin’s palm. It was big, and warm. He stared at the man in wonder. “I did it.”

Erwin grinned. “You did! Can I try?”

Levi nodded.

“Just lay your hand on the table. Palm up.”

Levi did and Erwin dragged a finger slowly down his palm. Levi shuddered and drew his hand back. “Tickles!”

Erwin looked down at Rose who sat patiently by him, used to his messy eating and waiting for fallen food. “Papa did it, Rose!”

Rose kneaded the air and purred in approval.

  
  
  


“Levi …”

Levi awoke with a start and stared up at the dark ceiling. He could’ve sworn that someone had said his name. Had he been dreaming? He turned his head. 4:29 gleamed out of the darkness from his bedside clock.

What the hell? It must have been a dream.

He turned his head the other way. Because of the extreme limitations of the single room, his bed and the couch were only a few feet from each other so that when the couch was folded out for Erwin to sleep, his bed and Levi’s were just an arm span away from each other and in the opposite orientation, the foot of Levi’s bed next to the head of Erwin’s.

He could clearly see the bulk of Erwin under his covers, facing away from him.

“Oh, Levi …”

It was a soft, throaty murmur and Levi froze, staring. Was Erwin having a dream? About him?

There was a movement, under the covers, in Erwin’s bed. Rhythmic.

Levi went red to the tips of his ears. Was Erwin … jerking off?

Levi was immediately consumed with revulsion—Erwin was rubbing one out in his fold-out bed—and ...what? Embarrassment? Pleasure? The man had to masturbate sometime. And he was thinking about  _ him _ ?

Levi’s toes curled. It was mortifying and extremely flattering at the same time.

“Oh, god … Levi!”

The vocalizations were very low, very quiet but Levi could hear every one of them. Oh, fuck, he was getting hard. He squirmed without meaning to and Erwin went still. Levi froze. After a while, there was a sigh and more movement, more urgent this time.

Levi lay, still as a rock, keeping his hand off of his dick and listening to Erwin jerk off in the darkness.

“Levi … oh, Levi!” There was a grunt and a sigh and Levi, face burning, cock painfully hard, willed himself back to sleep.

He was definitely washing those sheets when Erwin left for work. 

  
  


Levi thought a lot about—and tried not to think about—what had happened.

Erwin had jerked off thinking of him! Levi couldn’t get over it. He was pleased, mortified, and terrified all rolled into one. He would never ever admit to anyone that he’d jerked off himself, standing next to the fold-out bed, and come, gasping, knees buckling, onto the bundle of sheets that he’d just stripped off.

When Levi got home early Sunday morning, Erwin was still up. “I got a 12-pack of beer!” he said, waving an almost empty bottle. He’d clearly had a few already.

“What’s the occasion? You could’ve come by the bar.” Levi hung his coat up by the door and bent to unlace his Doc Martens.

“I’ve got news!”

“Yeah? You find a boyfriend?”

Erwin frowned and Levi immediately regretted saying it. It’d just been a knee-jerk reaction, his smart mouth running away on instinct.

“Sorry. Just yanking your chain. What’s the news?”

Erwin perked back up. “I’m getting a raise!”

“Hey. That’s fucking awesome. Congrats.”

For a brief moment, Levi had an uneasy feeling. A raise? At the high-end hotel? Would it be enough so that Erwin could move out? Levi swallowed. He didn’t  _ want _ Erwin to move out. They were good. Cozy.

He pulled off his boots and just stood by the door, unsure.

“I gotta go to some training thing, but then I’m golden.” Erwin grinned.

Nothing about moving out. Levi let out a breath. He walked into the kitchenette and stripped off his gloves, washed his hands briefly, and snagged a beer. “So when do you go?”

  
  


Erwin left on Monday and Levi took him to the bus depot, Erwin’s suitcase sandwiched between them on the bike. They stood in the cold, sipping crappy coffee (tea for Levi and it was also crappy) out of paper cups. Neither man seemed to know what to say.

Levi did not want Erwin to leave and he suspected—hoped—that Erwin felt the same. Erwin would be gone four days. They could get through four days, right?

Erwin gulped at his bitter coffee, so hot that it burnt his tongue, and morosely waited for his bus to show up. He wished he could hold Levi’s hand. Levi had his nitrile gloves on plus his leather gloves over them. That might be OK, wouldn’t it? His fingers itched to reach out. 

Levi was fantasizing about what it would be like to give Erwin a kiss goodby. Nothing extreme, just a peck on the cheek … or on the lips. Levi let his mind explore the thought, how it made him feel, how it would feel. Could he make himself do it? How would Erwin react?

Erwin’s bus showed up and he tossed his coffee in the trash and picked up his suitcase.

“You ready?” Levi asked.

“As I’ll ever be.” He gave his case to the driver to put in the cargo area and stepped up into the bus. He turned to Levi.

“Take care. I’ll be back before you know it.”

Levi nodded. “Yeah. Safe trip.”


	13. Bullshit

At the apartment, Levi sat on the couch and flipped through the channels distractedly. He was resisting the urge to clean the already pristine apartment.

He really missed Erwin. The place seemed too big without his comforting bulk and he was convinced that Rose missed him already too.

Levi had done something he’d not indulged in in a long time: bought himself some liquor. A shiny new bottle of Jack had sat on the table just calling to be opened. Levi had obliged.

Levi had sat at the table and tossed back three or four shots then moved to the couch (!) with a rocks glass. He couldn’t settle on anything to watch. He wondered what Erwin was doing.

  
  


Erwin was doing a similar thing; sitting on the bed in the hotel room (his fancy hotel had put him up in their other branch in Trost.) He had picked himself up a six-pack of beer and was drinking and flipping through the channels on TV. He was bored. His training seminars didn’t start till tomorrow and he missed Levi and Rose and, well, home.

He thought fondly of their apartment, how cozy and clean it was, how much he enjoyed coming home after a day at work. He thought of Levi, how far he’d come with his discomfort of having a person there. Erwin was happy. He had everything he needed. Well, almost.

  
  
  


Thinking of Erwin made Levi think other thoughts as well. He hesitated, instinctively glancing around for Rose. She was in her box, feeding the kittens. His hand dropped to his clothed crotch.

He massaged himself for a moment, getting hard. It felt good. He imagined Erwin doing it and his erection responded. He groaned.

He wished that Erwin was there.

What? No! He didn’t want that! His face flushed with blood. What the hell was he thinking?

The shock and embarrassment consumed him for a moment and he took his hand off of his cock. It stubbornly refused to wilt. He stared down at his crotch accusingly and gulped down the rest of his drink.

The image of Erwin’s huge hands wandered across his brain.

“Shit,” he muttered. His hand returned without his permission, pressing, stroking. “Shit!”

Then his phone rang.

  
  


Erwin was pretty tipsy. He’d downed four beers in rapid succession, flicking through the startlingly large number of porno channels on the TV, and had opened the fifth. He stared at the very skinny blond woman with insanely large breasts on the screen and realized that he wanted something else.

Levi.

He fished around for his phone. It rang exactly once.

“Yeah?”

Levi sounded odd. Stressed.

“Is everything OK?”

A rustle, then, “Yeah, sure.”

“Are you positive? You sound weird.”

“Your face is weird. What are you up to?”

“Drinking! You?”

“Same.” The rustling sound came again and Levi let out a long breath. Erwin frowned. What was Levi doing? Cleaning? This late?

“Y’know, if you’re busy, I can—”

“No!”

“Levi?”

There was a long silence, then Levi did that odd breath thing again.

“I … like hearing your voice …” His own voice was low, husky.

Erwin got a strange thought and his cock stirred.

“Levi? Are you … are you  _ masturbating _ ?” 

Erwin thought for several seconds that Levi wouldn’t reply then a barely audible groan came down over the line. “Who says ‘masturbating’ …?”

Erwin went beet red. Levi  _ was _ masturbating. On the phone. With  _ him _ .

Erwin laid back, quietly, on the bed, his feet still on the floor. He pushed down his sweatpants and fisted his cock, sighing.

“What are  _ you _ doing?” Levi asked. Erwin shivered at his deep, breathy tone.

“Guess.”

“You … you sure you wanna do this?”

“Absolutely.”

Another long silence, punctuated by Levi’s accelerated breathing.

“Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck!” he murmured. “Where’s your hand?”

“You know …”

“Fuck! Tell me about your cock. Are you touching it? Is it as big as the rest of you?”

Erwin hummed.

“God, I’ll bet it is. I wish I was there. I wish I could touch your ass. Jesus, you’ve got a nice ass …”

Erwin grinned. “You think so?”

“Yeah. So round and firm … I just wanna bite it.”

Erwin jumped and his cock did too. He imagined Levi touching him, running his hands over his back and ass, squeezing, nipping. His cock throbbed. “Oh … Levi … yeah …”

Levi’s breathing ratcheted up a notch. “You like that?”

Erwin loved it. This new Levi, this horny, confident Levi, made him want to be there, with him. Made him want to kneel on Levi’s bed, hungry ass in the air, waiting for that cock. “Do you have any tattoos? Y’know, down there?”

Levi chuckled. “Just one. On my lower stomach, down low, left side.”

“It’s not another man’s name is it?”

“Maybe it’s a girl’s”

Erwin’s hand stilled. “Is it?” He was stunned at the white-hot jealousy that course through him.

Another chuckle. “Nope. It’s just the Indian. Well, the name. Couldn’t find anyone who could tattoo a really good picture.”

“Well, you said you were in love …” His hand resumed its movement.

“Talk to me, Erwin. Tell me what you’re doing.”

“I’m … I’ve got my hand on my …”

“You can say ‘cock’, Erwin.”

Erwin blushed even harder, though there was no one to see. He bit his lip and took a deep breath. “I’ve got my hand on my cock. I’m imagining you, your hand, your mouth.”

Levi groaned. “Fuck …”

They were quiet for a minute, each man lost in his own thoughts, each man’s hand moving.

Levi was getting close already. His hand flew and his hair was sticking to his forehead with perspiration. He squeezed his eyes shut and clung to the phone, any inhibitions gone.

“I’d suck that fucker like a lollipop,” he breathed suddenly, “Your cock. Take as much as I could in my mouth, make you come, make you call out my name. Then I’d get ready to fuck you.”

Erwin gasped. “Oh, god, Levi … Levi! You’re gonna make me come right now.”

“I wanna be inside you, Erwin. Deep in your ass. God, I’ll bet you’re tight!”

“Le-Levi!”

“So fucking tight. I’d hold you down, make you take every inch. Make you beg me to let you come. Make you beg me to come inside you.”

Erwin’s lips parted. The thought of being held down, fucked hard by the little man was just too much. “Levi … oh, god!  _ Levi!” _

He came with a cry, without warning, coming all over his sweats and the bedspread. He paused, panting into the phone, listening to Levi’s grunts of pleasure. “Fuck … Erwin … fuuuuck! That was so hot. You’re … I’m … !” There was a long, loud, shuddery moan.

For several long moments, they both just lay or sat, exhausted, satiated, breathing heavily.

“I can’t believe we just did that,” Erwin said, suddenly shy.

“Fuck, I’m a mess,” Levi said.

“Hah! Me too.”

There was a long, long awkward silence.

“I’m gonna go take a shower,” Levi said finally.

Something was wrong. Erwin could sense it. “Yeah. I guess I should, too.”

“Well … I’ll talk to you later …”

“Levi?”

“Yeah?”

“That was amazing. I’m glad we did it. Thank you.”

There was a noise, a huff, and the line went dead. Erwin stared at his phone, frowning.

  
  


Their phone calls were daily, but awkward after that. Erwin was happy but Levi seemed almost … angry. The mood came to a head on the last day of Erwin’s trip.

“Levi, are you mad at me? Did we do something wrong, do you think?”

Silence. Erwin chewed at his lip.

“Do you regret it? Do you not really think of me that way? I … I thought we ...”

“Erwin …”

“Yes?”

“We both know …” Levi sighed heavily. “We both know it wouldn’t work out.”

“Do we?”

“We’re just roommates. This was a trial thing.”

Erwin’s heart broke. “I don’t feel that way!”

“You’ll get tired of me! You’ll get tired of my bullshit!” On his end, Levi was holding the phone so hard he was afraid he’d break it.

“I don’t think it’s bullshit!”

“But it is,” Levi said quietly. “I’m just shit, Erwin. Broken.”

“You’re not! You’re perfect! I don’t give a damn about your OCD! It’s just a thing! It’s part of you, and … Levi … I think I’m falling in love with you.”

The phone went dead.

Levi stood in the shower, tears running down his face. He’d scrubbed every inch of his skin till it was red and raw. He was so sorry he’d hung up on Erwin but he couldn’t help it. He felt so fucking guilty. He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve to be happy. Didn’t deserve Erwin.

Why was Erwin even sticking around? Levi was a loser. Hell, he was 32 years old and worked in a  _ bar _ , for christ’s sake. His brain was fucking broken. He was just a shitty little man with a shitty little life and a shitty little apartment.

What was Erwin thinking? He could do so much better.

  
  


When Erwin got off the Greyhound, Levi wasn’t there. He lugged his suitcase to the city bus stop and waited for the bus.

When he got home, Levi was cleaning. He’d expected as much. He left his shoes at the door, loved on Rose, and opened his suitcase on the couch.

“I’m home.”

Levi grunted and kept scrubbing the window frame.

Erwin began carefully putting his things away, tossing his dirty clothes into the hamper. Levi ignored him.

Erwin crossed to the kitchen and quietly retrieved his bag of potato chips and sat down at the table. He’d bought another 12-pack of beer. He cracked one open despite it being 10 in the morning. He took a long draught and stared sadly at Levi’s hunched shoulders.

Erwin drank and stared at Levi and wondered if the man was aware of how incredibly beautiful he was. He was wearing one of his white undershirts, the straps showing off his broad muscular shoulders, his tattoos standing out on his pale skin. Erwin’s heart ached.

“Levi. We need to talk about this.”

“Nothing to talk about.”

Erwin wondered if Levi knew that he’d masturbated every night while he’d been away, thinking of him.

“There is. We need to talk about us.”

“There is no ‘us’.”

“Do you want me to move out?”

Levi looked up, alarmed. That hadn’t crossed his mind. He knew Erwin would leave, run, after a while but he didn’t  _ want _ him to. The thought … scared him. He stared at Erwin. “Do you want to?”

“Of course not. But if you’re tired of me … if I make you this mad …”

Levi set his cloth back into the bucket of water and stripped off his dish gloves. His hands were angry, chapped.

“It’s not you. It’s me. You don’t make me mad, this situation does.”

“What situation?”

Levi spread his hands helplessly. “This thing … between us.”

“Do you have no feelings for me?” Erwins voice was calm, scarily so. Levi shuddered.

“I do and that’s the problem.” He stared down into his wash water.

Erwin broke, his voice cracking. “We can work on it. We can get through this!”

Levi’s head jerked up. “What if I can’t!? I’ll be like this for the  _ rest of my life! _ What if … Jesus! What if I can  _ never  _ touch you!? What will we do? Jerk off in front of each other? That’s just fucking crazy!”

“What do you think about sex? Like with a person?”

“I’ve had sex before, if that’s what you mean,” Levi said dryly.

“Then maybe we can have sex one day.”

“What if I can’t?” Levi sounded small, vulnerable.

Erwin set his jaw belligerently. “Then you can’t.”

“How can you live like that?! Erwin, you’re a young man! You’d be throwing your life away with me!”

Erwin crossed his arms over his chest.

“Bullshit.”

Levi’s mouth dropped open. He’d never heard Erwin say a single curse word other than ‘hell’ and ‘damn’.

For almost a minute they just stared at each other. Finally, Levi yanked his dish gloves back on and picked up his rag. “You idiot.”

He went back to cleaning.

  
  



	14. When You Least Expect It

Levi had just gotten to work and was doing his behind-the-bar cleaning routine while Armin counted out his till when the policeman came into the bar. Levi and Armin exchanged glances and Levi broke off from his cleaning to meet the man at the bar.

“What can I get you, officer?” Levi was puzzled. While they did get the local constabulary in there they never ever came in uniform. This was also a cop he didn’t recognize. He also didn’t sit.

“Does a …” he consulted a small notebook, “Levi Ackerman work here?”

Levi had a moment of panic. Oh, shit. What had he done? He cleared his throat. “I’m Levi Ackerman.”

“Mr. Ackerman, there was an attempted robbery at the Empire tonight.”

Fuck! Levi hadn’t been near any ‘Empire.’ Was he a suspect?

“There were shots fired, Mr. Ackerman.”

Levi didn’t even own a gun. He opened his mouth to protest.

“One of the employees was struck. Twice.”

Abruptly Levi put two and two together. He knew he had recognized that name. The Empire was the fancy hotel where Erwin worked.

Levi’s world suddenly spun and he felt dizzy, weak. His knees buckled and he grabbed onto the bar for support.

“Erwin …”

The officer tucked his notebook into his breast pocket. “Do you know an Erwin Smith? He gave us your name.”

“Fuck.  _ Fuck, fuck, fuck!  _ Is he OK? Is Erwin alright?”

“Mr. Smith said he had no one else to notify. Said you were his husband.” The man looked deeply skeptical. “I’m here to take you to the hospital.”

Armin had appeared at Levi’s elbow. He laid a small hand on Levi’s arm. Erwin stared helplessly at him, sick. “Go. I’ve got everything here. Go.”

  
  


Levi leaped out of the squad car as soon as it stopped at the curb outside the ER and ran in. He pounded on the counter, startling the two women there. “Smith? Erwin Smith? He was brought in about an hour ago.” Levi swallowed dryly. “Gunshot? I need to see him now! I’m Levi Ackerman, his … husband.”

The women regrouped smoothly. One of them checked her computer. “Mr. Smith is in surgery, Sir. You can go to the post-op waiting room. Second floor.”

Levi sprinted for the elevators.

  
  
  


The wait was agonizing. No one seemed to have any information. The phlegmatic nurse was impervious to his panic. “Please just have a seat, Mr. Ackerman. The doctor will come to talk to you when Mr. Smith is out of surgery.

So Levi waited. He paced. He tried to be calm. He tried sitting in one of the soothingly colored chairs. He paced some more.

The other people waiting for news stared at him. They were all tired looking, sad, anxious. A few of the women sobbed, quietly.

After a half-hour, Levi got a cup of crappy tea out of the vending machine. It reminded Levi of him and Erwin waiting for Erwin’s bus. He recalled their phone sex while Erwin had been away and Levi had to fight back tears. He wanted to wash his hands. Badly. He looked at the bathrooms but was afraid to leave in case the doctor came out.

Eventually, he settled in one of the chairs, the one closest to the doors to the surgery suites. He jumped up every time a doctor came out but it was never Erwin’s. Another half-hour crept by.

Eventually, another doctor came out. He was an old, burly guy with a beard and blood—so much blood—on his scrubs. “Mr. Ackerman?” 

Levi leaped up so quickly he spilled his cold tea all over his boots and the floor. “I’m Levi Ackerman. Is he alright? Is Erwin OK? Jesus, that’s a lot of blood …”

Levi had reached out and was gripping the man by the arm, painfully tight.

“Mr. Ackerman, I’m Dr. Zackly. Mr. Smith came through the surgery well.”

Levi’s breath left his body in a rush.

“We removed two bullets, one from his thigh—very close to the femoral artery and the bone but it miraculously didn’t hit either—and one from his lower leg.”

Levi went white as a sheet. “Will he … will he be alright?” 

“He’s in the ICU right now. We had to do some very detailed work on the lower leg. The bullet had shattered the bone. He’s heavily sedated right now. The ICU staff can give you an idea of when you can see him.”

Levi moved to the fourth floor, to the tiny ICU waiting room. A nurse brought him another cup of tea and another nurse followed soon after. “He’ll be out for a while and we won’t be allowing visitors till he’s stable. Why don’t you go home, Mr. Ackerman? Come back in the morning?

Levi chewed his lip and thought about it. There was no way he could see Erwin tonight and he had to go take care of Rose.

He took the bus home.

  
  


Levi fed Rose, checked on the kittens, and paced some more. This was 100 times worse than when Erwin had gone to his training seminar. He seemed to see small indications of Erwin everywhere. He went to the kitchenette and listlessly looked through the cupboards. He just wasn’t hungry.

Then he spotted Erwin’s chips. He got them down. Cool Ranch Doritos. Erwin loved those vile things. Abruptly he sat down at the table and, cradling the bag of junk food, he began crying. He felt a small pressure on his knee. It was Rose, standing on her back legs, her small white feet on his leg.

“Oh, Rosie. Daddy’s sick. He’s very sick. A bad man hurt him and now he-he’s in the hospital. I don’t know when he’ll be home.”

Rose meowed and Levi startled. He’d only heard her meow once, ever. It made him cry harder.

Later, much later, Levi was on the couch, the bottle of Jack Daniels held loosely in his hand. He’d not bothered with a glass. The TV was on, murmuring in the background. He wasn’t even sure what show it was.

He missed Erwin. Really missed him. What would he have done if he’d been killed? If he hadn’t made it through surgery? Dr. Zackly had reassured him that Erwin’s injuries, while bad, weren’t likely to be life-threatening. But what if he took a turn for the worse? What if his injuries got infected? Dr. Zackly had warned him that even if everything went well, Erwin was looking at months of physical therapy and he might walk with a limp for the rest of his life.

How would Erwin react? What would become of his job? Levi wasn’t even sure if Erwin had insurance. How would they afford his medical bills? Levi was an old hand at medical bills. They could drain your whole life from you.

He gulped bourbon straight from the mouth of the bottle and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He stared at his hand, stomach turning. He’d have to wash that off. He struggled up and tacked to the sink.

Again.

Levi woke a few hours later, the empty bottle propped between his thighs. He blearily showered, shaved, pulled gloves over his abused hands, and set off for the hospital. It was 6 am.

  
  
  


About ten o’clock a nurse came into the ICU waiting room. Levi, inured to the comings and goings of doctors and nurses, never there for him, looked wearily up.

“Mr. Ackerman?”

Levi jumped up.

“Mr. Smith is awake if you’d like to see him.”

The ICU was a nightmarish place. The lights were kept lowered except for lamps at the nurses’ station. Everybody spoke in whispers. Wheeled hospital beds ringed the walls, almost all of them with a patient bundled up like a mummy. Machines beeped and clicked and murmured quietly. It smelled like disinfectant and sickness and death.

Levi balked. His skin itched. He had the overwhelming desire to flee, to run home, and shower in the hottest water he could stand.

No. He was there for Erwin.

The nurse waited patiently for him. Apparently, it was a common reaction. Levi adjusted, taking deep breaths to calm himself. The nurse led him to a bed and, smiling kindly, left him.

Levi was floored. He gripped the bed rail, his hands stinging at the intense pressure.

Erwin looked so small. His normal bulk seemed diminished and he lay covered completely by blankets except for his right leg. Levi quickly averted his eyes, swallowing hard, then forced himself to look again. Erwin’s leg, as white as the surrounding sheets, had been shaved and both gruesome wounds—long incisions where the doctors had had to cut him open to dig out the bullets and make repairs—looked raw and bruised. Drain tubes exited both incisions and there was an external stabilizer on his lower leg, the metal pins disappearing into his skin.

For a horrible moment, Levi was sure he would vomit. He swayed, gripping the bed rail even more tightly. He forced himself to walk hand over hand to the head of the bed where Erwin’s head lay, turned away from him, his face as pale as death, deep purple smudges under each eye.

Levi gulped, swallowing down bile. “Erwin?”

Erwin’s pale blond lashes trembled.

“Erwin? It’s Levi.”

Erwin’s eyes fluttered open. He turned his head.

“Levi. You came.”

Tears dripped down Levi’s face.

They wouldn’t let him stay long. Erwin was on powerful pain killers and was loopy as hell so there wasn’t much conversation.

“How are you?”

“Hurts.”

“I’m so sorry. I … I missed you.”

Erwin smiled weakly. “Missed you. How’s Rosie?”

“She’s fine. She and the kittens miss you too.” Levi wiped at his eyes fiercely. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Will you hol’ m’hand?” he raised his left hand a few inches.

Levi nodded and reached out for it then changed his mind. He stripped off his glove angrily and reached out again, taking Erwin’s hand in his bare, reddened one. “I’ve got it.”

Erwin smiled again. “You bin washing again.” He rubbed his thumb over Levi’s rough knuckles.

“Yeah.”

“Don’ worry. I’ll be fine.”

Levi nodded. “Yeah. Fine. You’ll be home soon. Rosie will be so glad. I … I’ll be so glad.”

Erwin was nodding off again. “Don’ worry …”

“Erwin. I want to tell you something. Erwin?”

He was asleep.

  
  
  


Levi returned to work that night. He needed the money. Armin graciously let Levi take two of his shifts a week and Reiner and Connie both gave him modest gifts of money in a plain envelope. Levi was touched.

Since the shooting had occurred in the Hotel, the company’s insurance paid the lion’s share of Erwin’s bill but it didn’t cover all of it.

They moved Erwin into his own room at the end of the first week and the drain tubes and stitches came out a week later. Levi visited every day.

A few days later Levi showed up and Erwin looked pale and sweaty.

“What’s going on? You look like shit. Are you OK?”

“Started physical therapy today. It was hell.”

Levi glanced around and pulled a small bag of potato chips out from inside his jacket. Erwin grinned. “You’re gonna make me fat.”

“You’ll still look damn good.” Levi stripped the glove off of his left hand and grabbed Erwin’s. Erwin admired their joined hands for a moment.

“You’ve come a long way, husband of mine.”

Levi blushed. “Shut up, idiot.”

Erwin turned suddenly sober. He gently disengaged his hand and fiddled with the bag of chips. “Say, Levi. I’m really sorry we fought. Before.”

“S’OK.”

“I meant what I said. I love you, Levi.”

Levi went even redder and looked anywhere but at Erwin.

“I love you too, you irritating bastard,” he whispered.


	15. Can I ... ?

Erwin came home a week later on fancy crutches. Their building had no elevator and he was exhausted by the time they made it up the stairs. He collapsed onto the couch with a groan and Rose ran over to greet him and sniff curiously at his leg armature.

“Rosie! How are you? Did you miss daddy? How are the kittens?”

“Walking,” Levi said, zipping open Erwin’s suitcase and putting his things in the dirty clothes.

“Really?! I missed it!”

“I’ve made her an appointment to get spayed and to take the kittens in for their first check-up.” Levi pointed to a new plastic cat crate on the table.

“Good.” Erwin fondled Rose’s ears and she purred loudly.

Erwin’s recovery wasn’t easy on either man. Levi worked every hour he could to pay their bills and during his time off he had to sleep and get Erwin to and from physical therapy. The armature came off of Erwin’s leg and they folded the pull-out bed back up and sat on the couch, watching TV, catching up on The Boys. Erwin was fresh out of the shower, his pale hair slicked and dark, still damp.

It was Sunday, Levi’s day off, and he was fucking exhausted. The stress of working all the time and taking care of Erwin showed on his face. He was pale and drawn. He hadn’t tinkered with his bike in weeks.

Erwin wasn’t stupid. He knew. The guilt was overwhelming.

“Homelander is such a fucking asshole,” Levi said, gesturing at the TV with his fifth beer.

“I hate this.” Erwin said suddenly.

Levi gaped at him tipsily. “Do you? I thought you were enjoyin’ the show?” he hunted around for the remote. “I’ll change it …”

“Not the show, Levi,” Erwin said, exasperated, “ _ this. _ ” He gestured at his leg.

Levi looked stupidly down at the limb. “Are you having any pain? You still have some Percocet.” He began struggling to rise. “I’ll get you some …”

Erwin grabbed his arm. “No. I’m fine. I just. I’m so sorry to be a burden.”

Levi sighed, understanding finally. Someone’s head exploded in a spray of blood on the screen and Levi clicked the TV off.

“You’re not a burden, Erwin. You got hurt. I’m taking care of you. That’s all. It’s what people do.”

“It’s too much, Levi. Too much on you. You work so hard and yet we’re barely getting by. And … and it’s all because of me. Because I just had to go for the alarm …”

And then Levi kissed him.

Erwin’s head swam. Levi was kissing him.

Erwin’s lips were warm and soft and he tasted minty from brushing his teeth and … Levi couldn’t stop.

After a bit Levi pulled back, looking startled. He touched his own lips, stunned. It didn’t feel weird. It hadn’t felt bad. Maybe it was the alcohol but Levi had felt fine, not dirty, when he’d done it.

Erwin looked absolutely shocked. His hair was in disarray, his face flushed. “Levi …”

“Can we do that again?”

Erwin could only nod, eagerly.

Levi took a deep breath and repeated the action, tentative this time. Erwin opened his mouth and Levi swallowed and dove back in. He pushed his tongue into Erwin’s mouth, exploring. It had been so long. Even the last time he had had sex he’d not kissed the girl. It had squicked him out. He’d just fucked her, hard and fast, seeking his release, seeking that few seconds of comfort, of bliss.

It was different with Erwin. He was squeaky clean for one thing, and it was  _ Erwin _ .

He was getting hard.

Erwin leaned back, gasping. “Can I … can I touch you?”

Levi squirmed. It was a moment of truth. He didn’t want it but he  _ did _ want it. Oh, how he wanted it.

He hesitated, torn, then reared back and stripped off his t-shirt.

Erwin gaped. He knew Levi was crazy good-looking but he was not prepared for the sight of the man with his shirt off. Levi had almost no body fat so his muscles stood out in sharp relief. He had no tats on the front of his body below the ‘Sina’ under his left collarbone (save for the one on his lower belly, presumably.) Erwin reached out carefully and brushed the smattering of black hair on Levi’s chest, following it down to where it got thicker and disappeared into the waistband of his jeans.

Levi trembled and kissed him again, hungrily, aggressively.

It had been so long. So long since another human had touched him, run a hand over his skin. It felt wonderful, wonderful and scary at the same time.

He scooted closer, reaching out to touch Erwin’s warm skin, kneading his hips. He wanted to touch the man all over, grab his thighs, his ass, leave fingermark bruises to claim him as his.

“Lie back,” he said. His voice was a low, dark murmur and Erwin obeyed.

Levi carefully arranged him on the couch. Body flat, bad leg off the couch, heel on the floor. He then lifted Erwin’s left leg—the one against the back of the couch—and hooked his arm under Erwin’s knee. Then he leaned forward and kissed him, sliding his tongue into Erwin’s mouth, making him moan. The action of Levi leaning forward hiked Erwin’s left leg up, pressing his clothed erection into Erwin’s crotch. Erwin had never felt anything so erotic.

“Fuck,” Levi said suddenly, sitting back. “Fuck, shit, and damn!”

“What?” Erwin sounded desperate, and he was. All this was going too slowly. He  _ really _ wanted to get on with things.

Levi was chewing his lip, lost in thought. “I’ve got lube but I’m not sure I have any condoms.”

“Damn.”

“Yeah,” Levi ran a hand through his hair looking down at Erwin apologetically. “It’s been a while since I’ve done this.”

Erwin—perversely—suddenly thought of Nile. He grabbed Levi’s arms. “Wait … I think I’ve got some in my bathroom stuff.”

“Thank god! Don’t move.”

Erwin took the opportunity to shimmy out of his sweatpants while Levi rummaged around in the bathroom. After a brief hesitation, he shucked his shirt off as well.

A sound of triumph came from the bathroom and Erwin grinned.

Levi returned quickly, snagging the lube out of his nightstand as he came. He went stock still when he saw Erwin.

“Fuck …”

Erwin was laid back on the couch, acres of soft golden skin bare, one leg on the floor, arms thrown over his head. He looked at Levi from under white blond lashes and said nothing. He looked like an actual god. Levi swarmed him, kissing and licking, touching him everywhere.

“God I want you … want to fuck you so bad … wanna hear you scream my name.

“Then take me levi. Do whatever you want. I … I want you inside me.”

Several minutes of eager strokes, burning kisses and shuddering moans, then Levi’s lubed fingers were at Erwin’s ass, pressing, insisting. 

“Go slow it’s been a long time for me, too,” Erwin murmured.

Levi had his face buried in the crook of Erwin’s neck. “Your ass is just so perfect. Wanna be inside.” He pushed his fingers in again, stretching Erwin, brushing his prostate, making him gasp.

“Levi! Jesus … more, please.”

Then it was Levi’s cock, fat and curved, mushroom head pushing into his hole.

Levi was too eager, went too fast and Erwin hissed.

“Shit! Did that hurt? I’m sorry … you just feel so good.”

“It’s OK, just go slow.”

Slow was hard,  _ very _ hard. Levi trembled with the effort of it, gently feeding more of his cock past Erwin’s tight ring.

“Fuck!  _ Fuck _ you feel so good …”

They rocked together, slowly, Levi biting his lip and holding back, Erwin adjusting to the intrusion.

Finally, finally, Levi was fully seated, the entire length of his cock inside. He paused—with effort—and sighed. “Can I … can I move?”

Erwin wouldn’t lie. It hurt a bit. He’d topped with Nile and his ass just wasn’t used to it, especially with Levi’s impressive girth. But it was a good hurt; sort of a burning, stretching pain that blended with incredible pleasure. Levi was inside him. Finally.

“M-move, Levi. Please move …”

“I don’t wanna hurt you …”

“Don’t worry, just do it. I want you!”

Levi began an agonizingly slow movement, drawing out a few inches and easing back in. The pain faded to nothing.

“Jesus, Levi!”

“More?” It was a guttural purr in his ear.

“Yes!”

And then they were fucking, hard and fast, Levi pinning him to the couch, sucking on his neck, his collarbones, gripping his thighs, leaving bruises.

Erwin couldn’t control his voice. He was  _ loud. _ All he could do was keep a deathgrip on Levi’s tattooed shoulders and enjoy the ride.

It was good. Incredibly good. Erwin had only ever imagined sex like this. He arched his back off of the couch, and tried to pull his knees back as far as he could. He counterthrust up, wanting more of Levi inside of him, wanting it faster, rougher.

“Fuck, Erwin, fuck, Erwin,  _ fuck! _ You’re so perfect, so beautiful!” Levi panted, “God, Erwin, I love you!”

He came deep inside Erwin then, shuddering, and grabbed Erwin's cock, squeezing.

“Yes! Levi …!”

And Erwin came as well, messily, between them as Levi’s cock still pulsed inside of him.

For a long moment both men just gasped, Levi leaning heavily on Erwin, hands on his shoulders.

Finally Levi moved—as Erwin knew he would—and recoiled away from the sticky mess on Erwin’s chest. He looked critically at his bare left hand, covered in Erwin’s cum. “I gotta go shower … sorry.”

Erwin smiled fondly. “I understand. Go.”

Levi clambered heavily up from the couch, withdrawing from Erwin, eliciting a hiss.

“You OK? I didn’t … I didn’t mean to get so carried away.” He removed the condom, searching Erwin’s face.

Erwin’s smile broadened. “Don’t apologise. That was  _ amazing _ .” he stretched and Levi watched avidly, admiringly.

“ _ You’re  _ amazing …” Levi said, awestruck. “Uhm … join me? In the shower?”

Erwin was pleased, touched. “We both won’t fit!”

“True …” Levi’s gaze tore from Erwin. “Uh-oh.” His already flushed face darkened to a deeper red.

Erwin looked to the side, between the couch and the TV, and he lifted himself up on his elbows.

The three kittens were there, on the threadbare rug, watching them with round cat eyes.

Erwin burst out laughing and Levi hurried to the bathroom.

  
  
  


Rose came through her spay operation with flying colors and the kittens got their first shots. Erwin and Levi were on the couch, holding hands, and watching, the kittens playing on the rug.

The couch was never folded out now. Erwin and Levi shared Levi's bed,  _ their _ bed now, sleeping tangled in each other’s arms, never minding the smallness of the mattress.

Their neighbors, Mrs. Arbogast and Mrs. Rodrigues were positively smug, knowing from that first bout of loud sex what was going on. Erwin and Levi tried to keep it down but it was hard.

Erwin went back to his job with a promotion to head desk clerk and a permanent limp. It didn’t bother him at all though it nagged at Levi.

Levi never got over his OCD, of course, it was a part of him but it got much better.

“I wish Farlan and Isabel and … my mom was here,” Levi said, out of the blue.

Erwin tensed. He rubbed circles into Levi’s hand with his thumb. “I know you miss them.” 

“Yeah … I just wish they could see me, see us.” He turned to Erwin, his eyes just barely watering. “They would love you. As much as I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here it is, everyone! The end at last. My deepest and sincerest apologies for the lack of punctuality in publishing chapters. In what has been a shit year, November was an utterly shit month. In good news, I finished NaNoWriMo! Yay!
> 
> I hope you all are happy and safe and well in this horrible time. I love you all dearly. Thank you so much for all the kudos and comments! *socially distanced internet hug!*


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